Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Who would be the biggest loser?

The person who wins the award for "biggest loser" or the person who was runner up?

[Raistlin]

My mate reckons he's made an attachment to a plane's wing that allows it to turn in much tighter arcs.

But I wouldn't bank on it.

[Raistlin]

How come reverse psychology isn't "ygolohcysp"

[Raistlin]

I'm a PC, and becoming the richest person in the world by selling stuff that rarely works properly was Bill Gates' idea.

[Raistlin]

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her

husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much,

but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after

several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names

right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur

to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife

noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would

also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face

inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the

children, the same child always faced the same direction.

"Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the

fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys

were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day

came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is

time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They

provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a

three month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet

the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and

still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a

lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as

her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my

darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards

hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the

fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled

upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually

the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled

over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we

never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that

must of been! What a horrible fish. What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

[Raistlin]

How are Lady Gaga and Wolverine similar?

They're both Ex Men

[Raistlin]

My nan has just died, she was a victim of the big C.

It fell on her, now my local store is called 'ostcutter'.

[Raistlin]

I recently had sex with a Taiwanese girl.

After finishing, she started to stroke my tool, with a loving look on her face.

I asked her if she wanted to go again.

She said no, she just missed hers really badly.

[Raistlin]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor" Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this

earsplitting yell."

"MY dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what problem is?"

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

[Raistlin]

The morning after their honeymoon night, Julie says to her husband, "you know, You're really a lousy lover!"

Her husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

[Raistlin]

NEWS : 'Toyota Recalls 180,000 Uk Cars'

I'm not suprised, that would be a lot of cars to just forget about.

[Raistlin]

I was driving around the other day and started feeling really horny.

So I decided to swing by this well known dogging spot that was close by.

There were a few other cars there so I pulled up and joined in.

I had a great time, but I think I failed my driving test.

[Raistlin]

I've been trying to call Abu Hamza all day, but I'm just not having any luck.

His phone must be off the hook.

[Raistlin]

SKY NEWS: Supernova Star Burst 'Could Wipe Out Earth'

There was never this sort of problem when they were called Opal Fruits

[Raistlin]

I'm John Terry and sneaking out Windows was my idea.

[Raistlin]

At the tender age of 82 my gran has lost the plot, she keeps thinking that I am my grandad.

To be honest it's a compliment, he was a great bloke.

But, the biggest compliment of all was the fact that 'Apparently' I'm better in bed.

[Raistlin]

I see a man has climbed to the top of the worlds newest, tallest building in dubai and tossed himself off.

Belongs to some sort of extreme ****ing club I heard.

[Raistlin]

The car in front, in that ditch, is a Toyota.

[Raistlin]

I was shopping earlier and saw this woman with an enormous *****.

"That's funny." I thought. "What the heck is she doing with a Donkey in the middle of town?"

[Raistlin]

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug.

They made love like never before.

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"

The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"

[Raistlin]

Toyota have apologised for not spotting the fault which causes loss of control.

They would have noticed it sooner if the Yaris had actually been bought mostly by men.

[Raistlin]

I've decided to kill my wife and make it look like an accident.

Bought her a new Toyota.

[Raistlin]

I was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. I grew increasingly restless as I waited hour after endless hour for my case to be heard.

When my name was called late in the afternoon, I stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and I would have to return then.

"What for?" I snapped at the judge.

His honour, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query roared, "Twenty pounds contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing me checking my wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

I replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

[Raistlin]

Can't wait for the new Arnold Schwarzenegger movie

Toyota Recall.

[Raistlin]

"The car in front is a Toyota"

I'm more worried about the Toyota behind me.