Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and reads:

Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:

Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18

[Raistlin]

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office.

"Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work.

"That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?"

"Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment.

Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex"

"What should I do?" asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."

[Raistlin]

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem.

Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Supa-Viagra, that does the trick.

You take some pills, and your problems are history."

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of weeks later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex fourteen times in fifteen days!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"

[Raistlin]

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon"

The Italian says, "We have the Colosseum"

The Greek says "We had great Mathematicians"

The Italian says "We had the Roman Empire"

...and so on and so on and then the Greek says: "We invented sex"

The Italian says "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

[Raistlin]

What is the penalty for Bigamy ?

Two mother in laws

[Raistlin]

Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas.

A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.

When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."

Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between men and pigs ?

Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

[Raistlin]

A man is driving down a country road in Ireland when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me Mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

[Raistlin]

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

[Raistlin]

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.

The corporal explained the procedure "You count to ten and pull the first ripcord.

If the chute doesn't open, pull the second.

That should do it.

Then, after you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."

The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary "Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane.

He counted to ten and pulled the ripcord.

The chute failed to open.

He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't open.

As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that bloody truck won't be there either!"

[Raistlin]

What do you call 5 dogs with no balls ?

The Spice Girls!

[Raistlin]

Why does a blonde only change her baby's nappy once a month?

Because it says on the box "Good for up to 20 pounds."

[Raistlin]

A vicar skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting.

Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear. the vicar stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit.

Finally the vicar astor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and sending his rifle flying through the air, just out of his reach.

As the bear closed in, the vicar cried out "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! - Lord please make this bear a Christian".

Suddenly the bear skipped to a halt at the vicar's feet, fell to it's knees, clasped it's paws together, began to weep and said "God bless this food which I am about to receive!"

[Raistlin]

What's brown and crispy on the outside, and white and creamy on the inside?

A Cockroach.

[Raistlin]

How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess ?

A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."

A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right."

An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."

[Raistlin]

One year at Halloween the mayor was giving a costume party.

All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were.

When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse".

As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane" and so on as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.

"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman.

Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university science department The doorman asked "How shall I announce you?"

The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation"

"I'm very sorry sir", said the doorman in obvious shock, "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."

"O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants"

[Raistlin]

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place.

First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they ask him, " You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse ?'

So she says, "Wear your sweater."

[Raistlin]

A Chinese man is making love to his wife.

He whispers in her ear, "Baby, I wanna' 69 !"

She gives him a strange look and replies, "You want Beef and Broccoli NOW ?"

[Raistlin]

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital.

As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth.

But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted.

When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.

"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl, but because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids."

"What! My brother, the idiot ! I can't believe you let him ! What did he name them ?"

"He named your daughter Denise."

"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son ?"

"He named your son Denephew."

[Raistlin]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

[Raistlin]

Why do bankers make great lovers ?

They know the penalty for early withdrawal.

[Raistlin]

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods and scratched your bum and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crevice and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"

The man said, "Of course not."

"Excellent, Wanna go camping?"

[Raistlin]

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.

The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.

Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my bum's fallen asleep'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know, I heard it snoring !"

[Raistlin]

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"

"No, madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

[Raistlin]

A man came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man.

So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his bits in a vice.

He secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you ?"

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are, I'm just going to set the garage on fire."