Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My new toyota is great, didnt know it had cruise control?

Any ideas how to turn it off?

[Raistlin]

Dougal was a typical Scot.

His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice.

He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement from, "Janet died".

The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have six words.

Dougal added three more words: "Janet died, Toyota for sale".

[Raistlin]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway, nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped John Terry.

They're asking for a £5 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon."

[Raistlin]

Locals are said to be in a state of shock after Police found a stash of guns behind the library in Glasgow yesterday.

A spokesman said 'The people of Glasgow had no idea they had a library'.

[Raistlin]

Wayne Bridge:

"Capello, Its either me or John"

Good one Wayne, the last time someone had the option to choose between you and John Terry it really worked in your favour.

[Raistlin]

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

[Raistlin]

Ear plugs,

For fast effective relief from period pain

[Raistlin]

I came face to face with my wife's murderer last night.

I had to pay him.

[Raistlin]

It's been a really bad day for me. Firstly, my girlfriend got run over by a bus.

Then I lost my job at the Bus company.

[Raistlin]

Carlsberg don't make Toyota's,

but if they did they'd probably work.

[Raistlin]

Carlsberg don't make Toyota's,

but if they did they'd probably work.

[Raistlin]

I get very emotional passing the petrol station where I used to work..... I keep filling up.

[Raistlin]

"A woman asked me for an example of a double entendre earlier, so I gave her one."

[Raistlin]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only £20.00 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1.. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you,and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . NOTHING happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions .. please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store.

The man says, 'I'll be right over.'

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says,'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

'LISTEN TO ME!!

I'm only going to show you how to do this

ONE MORE TIME...

[Raistlin]

What started Feminism?

An unlocked kitchen door

[Raistlin]

I'd rather have a laptop than an Ipad.

At least you can slam it shut when your missus walks in.

[Raistlin]

I got mugged by a swarm of bees.

They stole my Nectar card.

[Raistlin]

I went into the library and asked for a book on lubrication.

The librarian said, "It's in non-friction".

[Raistlin]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast

She was wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is my lucky day!'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

[Raistlin]

Poor John Terry, he's lost his wife, he's lost his kids, lost his England captaincy and Chelsea are struggling to stay at the top.

At least he still has his good looks.

Wait a minute....

[Raistlin]

I was going to make a joke about annoying adverts, but I'm too busy putting all my unwanted gold into a jiffy bag

[Raistlin]

I've just finished finding out my family history. Turns out that I'm 50% English, 20% Estonian, 17% Swedish and 13" African.

[Raistlin]

I decided to combine my two favourite pastimes this weekend - I'm going minge drinking.

[Raistlin]

What do Essex girls use for protection

A bus shelter

[Raistlin]

I've had it with all these jokes about Dyslectics!

Dyslectics are teople poo!