Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

[Raistlin]

Anyone seen the new Toyota advert?

I think they made a big mistake by picking Geri Halliwell's 'Scream if You Wanna Go Faster' as the soundtrack.

[Raistlin]

You might be Taliban if:

Your home doesn't have drapes, but your camel does.

You can't have sex with your first wife until she turns 13.

You have at least four brothers named Mohammed.

You refine heroin for a living, but have a "moral objection" to beer.

You own a £500 machine gun and £5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You believe masturbation is evil but beating your wife is OK.

Your mother would be happier if you blew up into a million pieces.

You have more wives than teeth.

You think vests come in two styles, bullet proof and suicide.

You'll kill anyone that says you are not peaceful.

[Raistlin]

"Toyota has recalled thousands of Prius models because the sticking pedals"

Now I know this hybrid car is meant to be green, but "Pedals"

I thought they would have at least put an electric motor in or something.

[Raistlin]

I bought a birthday card for my autistic son yesterday.

It read, 'Happy Birthday, to someone special'.

[Raistlin]

I remember when my mum would tuck me in.

She really wanted a daughter

[Raistlin]

Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.

To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin'

three whiskeys."

Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy, it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are.

"Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me first blow job."

Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar.

"Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration with you."

Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal, but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't either."

[Raistlin]

I went to Amsterdam fully expecting to blow all my money on whores but I visited a cafe and my plan went to pot.

[Raistlin]

I feel that geographical puns are beneath me; there's Norway I'd go Oslo as that.

[Raistlin]

My mates asked me if I would stop practising Voyeurism.

I'll look into it.

[Raistlin]

5 Rules of a perfect relationship.

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman you can trust and would never lie.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.

5. It's absolutely vital that these four women don't know each other!!

[Raistlin]

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get SO stressed and little things just seem funny?

Well I couldn't believe it.

He was a Midget.

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I'M NOT HAPPY!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

[Raistlin]

Me and my friend were discussing dishwashers.

He told me he had a 1 year old hotpoint.

I told him I had a 25 year old Latina woman.

[Raistlin]

I was thinking about what I should get my wife for Valentines day, I decided on a nice watch at a £150.

Then I thought to myself...

What's the point on her having a watch when there's a clock on the oven.

[Raistlin]

I kissed a girl and I liked it... Not the right thing to say when you're in court for rape charges.

[Raistlin]

Chris Tarrant asks Wayne Bridge, "For £64,000, what is the colour of Vanessa Perroncel's pubic hair? Is it,

A - Brown, B - Red, C - Blonde or D - Ginger"

Wayne replies, "Can I phone a friend?"

[Raistlin]

There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.

They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing.

She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So...

They buried her.

[Raistlin]

I put a claim in for industrial deafness but I haven't heard anything yet.

[Raistlin]

Joyriders:

Lie in the freezer all day before going out at night to steal cars. That way, when you ditch the motor and run for it through peoples back gardens, you'll be invisible to the thermal imaging cameras on the police helicopter.

[Raistlin]

I organised a surprise bukkake for my girlfriend.

You should have seen her face

[Raistlin]

My wife said she wanted to watch a chick flick.

Apparently, her sister masturbating on our bed wasn't what she had in mind.

[Raistlin]

I have just won 'Vodafone Employee Of The Month'

I'm chuffed but I didn't quite get the reception that I thought I would,

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend is Chinese and the thing I love about her most is that no matter how old she gets she'll always be Tu Yueng.

[Raistlin]

I've been sent to jail for tax evasion.

My cellmate is a guy who was caught trying to smuggle half a kilo of heroin through the border by shoving it up his anus.

I think I'm going to fit right in.

[Raistlin]

I was in the pub last night when my wife text me :

Hi Darling, I have just opened my letter from the hospital about my lump.

Do you want to know the results? xxx

I text back :

No, please don't tell me.

I'll watch Match Of The Day when I get In. xxx