Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tescos complaining because the top shelf was broken, and he couldn't keep it up.

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction

[Raistlin]

Peter Andre has warned Alex Reid not to cross-dress in front of his kids.

Just imagine it... heavy make-up, trashy clothes, fake boobs.

They'd think it was their mum

[Raistlin]

Eagerly flicked over to T4: Shooting Peter Andre

Very disappointing.

[Raistlin]

I accidentally swallowed a few caterpillars.

Fortunately, the NHS told me that they'd be able to see me and sort me out in just a few minutes.

And here I am now. Sitting in the same chair, impatiently waiting for 4 hours... with butterflies in my stomach.

[Raistlin]

Police are looking for a toyota driver who failed to stop after an accident.

The people in the other car are said to be in shock, and ten miles past their destination

[Raistlin]

Facebook notification:

"John Terry" has poked "Vanessa Perroncel"

Tiger Woods likes this

Wayne Bridge doesnt

[Raistlin]

The REAL definition of irony.

God giving women wisdom teeth.

[Raistlin]

BBC News : Missing eight-year-old found safe

But she couldn't crack it.

[Raistlin]

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

1. Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

2. Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

3. Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

4. Hallway Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

5. Religious Sex,

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

6. Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

7. Social Security Sex.

You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

[Raistlin]

A Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker.

He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves.

After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.

The hooker says, "wheres my money?"

The koala bear shrugs his shoulders.

The hooker repeats herself asking for her money.

Again he shrugs his shoulders.

The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear.

It says "gets paid for sex."

The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker.

It says, "Eats bush and leaves!

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend is being tested for HIV next week. . . .

"Think Positive" Probably was not the best advice to give her.

[Raistlin]

They say Jewish people are tight.

They're wrong.

My wife is Jewish.

I could park my car in her pussy.

[Raistlin]

A guy in a pink shirt minces into a bar and looks around weighing up the talent.

He spots a well built scouser having a quiet drink at the bar, sidles up to him, nudges him gently and whispers "Can I take you into the gents and give a blow job ?"

The scouser spins round, punches him in the nose, kicks him in the <the spuds of lurrrrvve>s, picks him up and throws him through the bar window.

"Bloody hell, Scouse" says the barman, "What was all that about?"

"I dunno - he said something about giving me a job!"

[Raistlin]

My Toyota also has a sticky accelerator pedal.

Perhaps I shouldn't go dogging quite so often...

[Raistlin]

My wife took my Xbox away as I 'use it too much'

I sought my revenge by taking something away that she uses too much.

So I cut out her tongue.

[Raistlin]

Poor Ali Dizaei wrongfully arrested a man and relied on the fact that police officers will always band together and falsify evidence to protect their own.

Does the man not own a mirror?

[Raistlin]

If I lost both my arms in a bomb blast, I wouldn't moan about it,

I'd just shrug it off..

[Raistlin]

Saw a woman in a Yaris roll back on a hill start today.

Ironic.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend just texted me and asked for me to call her later.

I'd prefer to carry on calling her Sarah to be honest.

[Raistlin]

My wife died yesterday.

I am left with a horrible pit in my stomach, an incredible hole and a horrible feeling deep down.

I've never been so hungry.

[Raistlin]

News Update:

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.

The rise was triggered by a recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing their military.

[Raistlin]

It's about time we left obese people alone.........they have enough on their plate

[Raistlin]

I'm an optimist, and Windows 8 was my idea

[Raistlin]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

[Raistlin]

I tried to join my local debating society today, but I didn't get in.

I was talked out of it.