Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Since my Mum went senile all she does is stare through windows. . . .

Maybe one day if its really cold and wet I'll let her inside.

[Raistlin]

I installed a skylight in my flat, today.

The people who live above me are furious.

[Raistlin]

I was having sex with a fish while driving last night.

I was all over the plaice then I started to flounder, I felt a right pollock.

[Raistlin]

I was up early this morning.

Where's this worm then?

[Raistlin]

The Big Issue would sell a lot more copies if they made their vendors smarten up a bit.

Most of them look like tramps.

[Raistlin]

To tell you the truth, I've got no eye four detail.

[Raistlin]

News: 'Michael Jackson's Doctor Denies Charge Over His Death'.

Why don't they just check his bank statement?

[Raistlin]

I haven't had sex for a long time.

One minute seven seconds is still my personal best.

[Raistlin]

I think my girlfriend's sick of me getting the wrong presents for her for Valentine's Day.

As a hint, she's written down her dress and bra sizes onto a bit of paper for me.

I'm sure I'll find this most helpful when I'm in Argos getting her a new kettle.

[Raistlin]

I saw an advert for 4-head cooling strips that you use when you have a migraine.

We had them when I was growing up too.

We called it a flannel.

[Raistlin]

I was watching Neighbours today.

I particularly like watching the blonde girl in flat number 6.

[Raistlin]

Just been on the go compare website for a few quotes.

The first question they asked me was " Where did you hear about us?"

I thought, are they taking the *****?

[Raistlin]

I was lucky enough to catch John Terry's shirt that he threw in the crowd after beating ubiknal on Sunday.

He must wear the same perfume my wife wears.

HANG ON...................

[Raistlin]

How do you make a door squeal?

Twist it's knob.

[Raistlin]

Nothing says I'm a fat ugly ***** with no personality quite like having a Thai wife.

[Raistlin]

A man walked into a doctor's surgery and went up to the receptionist to tell her that he had arrived for his appointment.

"Hello Mr Johnson", the receptionist said in a loud voice, so that everyone heard, "Are you here about your impotence problem?".

The man, looking absolutely distraught, said in an equally loud voice, "No, I want a sex change and was hoping you could recommend the doctor who did yours".

[Raistlin]

Cooking.......

so easy woman can do it.

[Raistlin]

I`ll always remember Grandma`s final words before she passed away.

"what are you doing with that hammer?"

[Raistlin]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a very difficult four hour surgical procedure

A beautiful young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies

‘I don't know, Sir. I’m new on this ward and really, I 'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, ‘please Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around very very gently.

He struggles to ask again, ‘please Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'

[Raistlin]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Gordon Brown a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Brown opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message: 370H-SSV-0773H

Brown was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Alastair Darling and his aides.

They hadn't a clue either, so they sent it to MI6

No one could solve it at MI6 so it went to the MI5, then to CIA and Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help. Within a minute, ASIO emailed 10 Downing Street with this reply:

"Tell the Prime Minister he's holding the message upside down."

[Raistlin]

My dad buys a new Toyota every year, and says this year will be no different.

He just can't stop himself.

[Raistlin]

I have got a really embarrassing habit.

All the other nuns laugh at me.

[Raistlin]

I taught this girl the correct way to massage the prostate thus ensuring I enjoyed a great orgasm.

Apparently, it's not on the curriculum and I'm suspended.

[Raistlin]

So I said to my hot gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"

She said "How flexible are you?"

I said "I can't make Tuesdays"

[Raistlin]

Toyota have announced that there are no problems with the braking system in their new model, the Toyota Flintstone.