Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Liverpool received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics ?

[Raistlin]

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride.

I find this very insensitive.

The Royal Mail loses around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.

She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

[Raistlin]

In the News recently was an article about a woman call Helen Wright, who gave birth to her baby daughter then went back to work seven hours later.

Totally outragous if you ask me, sounds like some poor blokes dinner got ruined then...

[Raistlin]

I was horrified when I found out that some people treat women as objects.

We need to make it clear once and for all that this is wholly unacceptable.

It demeans objects and gives women an over inflated sense of self worth.

[Raistlin]

Me and my mates went for a night out over the weekend...

we wouldn't have bothered wasting all that money on rohypnol if we'd realised a couple of Bacardi Breezers does the same job in Leeds.

[Raistlin]

Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms ?

They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman

[Raistlin]

I can't remember what to do.

My wife's face is drooping to one side, she can't raise both her arms, and her speech is slurred.

Oh yeah, divorce her.

[Raistlin]

I'm Richard Hammond, and the Toyota Yaris was my idea.

[Raistlin]

Paddy and Murphy on their lunch break.

Paddy says to Murphy "pass us one of your sarnies, I forgotten mine."

Murphy passes one over and Paddy takes a bite, chocks and shouts "Argh! What the hells in that?"

Murphy says "its crab paste"

"Where you get it from?" asks Paddy

Murphy says " Boots the chemists"

[Raistlin]

Portsmouth;

The only club where they encourage you to throw coins at the players.

[balli hi]

Paddy and Murphy on their lunch break.

Paddy says to Murphy "pass us one of your sarnies, I forgotten mine."

Murphy passes one over and Paddy takes a bite, chocks and shouts "Argh! What the hells in that?"

Murphy says "its crab paste"

"Where you get it from?" asks Paddy

Murphy says " Boots the chemists"

:lol2: :lol2: Ahh , needed that , and feel much better now , cracking joke

[Raistlin]

Sex to me is like quantum physics,

I just don't get it.

[Raistlin]

I have three sex slaves in my cellar and I just went down there to let one go.

It stinks down there now.

[Raistlin]

My doctor has said that I'm very unfit at the moment and should do 10 lengths of the swimming pool each day until things improve.

I don't know about anyone else but my lilo has usually gone flat after 5 lengths.

[Raistlin]

Everytime I look on the CBeebies website I get an annoying pop up.

[Raistlin]

2 pebbles sitting on a beach, 1st one says to the other "are you married" the 2nd one replies "no im shingle"

[Raistlin]

Apple have produced a prosthetic leg bone, the iFemur, and my Grandad's had one fitted.

How hip is that?

[Raistlin]

I see Wayne Bridge is trying to patch up his friendship and relationship with his missus and John Terry following the recent revelations their affair.

Speaking from the Man City training ground he said "I think we all need to move on from this and have bought them both a present to show no hard feelings.........

I'm just waiting on the delivery from Toyota...."

[Raistlin]

Breaking News :

A Chelsea groundsman has released this statement " John Terry was helping me get the turf ready for saturday's match when I asked him if he could nip back to the changing room and grab the hoe I left in there"

I think he may have got a little confused .

[Raistlin]

Fun-loving, curvaceous and bubbly redhead, 54, seeks athletic male, 18 to 22, for no-strings fun, maybe leading to more...

Dream on, you fat ginger bitch.

[Raistlin]

My marriage is going dreadfully at the moment.

My wife has completely gone off me.

She keeps running round the house saying stuff like, ''You tell agency you rich, you lie, me go back to Philippines.''

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend has a tattoo of a seashell on the inside of her left thigh.

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the ocean.

[Raistlin]

I only own one running shoe.

It's my personal trainer.

[Raistlin]

The BBC has revealed more women over 40 are getting pregnant than ever before.

Looks like the MILF-man has been doing his rounds.

[Raistlin]

I came across a really attractive woman in the library today and...

Well, to cut a long story short, that's sexual assault and I'm in court next month.