Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My wife broke the news to me that she'd been to the hospital because she had found a lump in her breast.

Apparently, "Sweet, bigger boobs!" wasn't the correct response.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the morning after pill for men ?

It changes your blood group

[Raistlin]

A girl wakes up in hospital after a horrific car crash.

She yells to the nurse, '' I can't feel my legs!''

The nurse replies ''That's right, we've amputated your arms.''

[Raistlin]

I was on my computer yesterday and i saw an advert that said "click here to win one MILLION pounds!"

Anyway managed to click on it before anyone else

All I have to do is send my pin code and debit card in an envelope to them so they can put the money onto my account.

But before I did I made them promise that they wouldnt steal my money

They cant outsmart me

[Raistlin]

I was talking to a mate yesterday, I asked him what he thought I could get my wife for valentines day.

He said that there was a person selling HD televisions down the road for really cheap, as they are all stuck on max volume.

I thought, well I can't turn that down.

[Raistlin]

The local Toyota garage kept me captive in an Avensis to protest at the bad press coverage.

But while they weren't looking I made a break for it.

[Raistlin]

I tried to write a joke about insomnia.

I was up all night.

[Raistlin]

I used to work as a mime for MI5, however, it's only now that I can talk about it.

[Raistlin]

The guy who invented the tv remote died today.

They found his body down the back of his sofa.

[Raistlin]

I just walked in on my Mother-In-Law in the bath.

She looked well shocked!

Well, she would do, I threw the toaster in.

[Raistlin]

I took my daughter down the doctor's this morning because she's been poorly.

The doctor said to her, "Are you okay stripping off in front of your dad?"

She said, "I don't think he brought any music with him."

[Raistlin]

I'm popping round later, but don't worry I'm not stopping...

I'm in a Toyota

[Raistlin]

Vanessa Perroncel.

Statistically better at getting through defenders than Emile Heskey.

[Raistlin]

3 dogs in all waiting in a kennel pass the time by seeing which each is in for.

The first dog says, "Well they say I am a pisser, I ***** on everything back home.

The carpet, the bed, the kitchen you name it. But last week my master set down the baby on the floor and I ****** on it.

I am here to be put down."

The second dog says, "They say I am a digger, I dig up anything.

Flowers, floor boards anything I can sink my paws into.

But last week I dug up my the grave of my master's mother. So I am here to be put down."

The third dog, "I have a over-active sex drive they say I am a humper,

I humped the sofa, shoes, hydrants they all just seem so good.

But last week my master's wife was just stepping out of the shower when she dropped her towel.

Well she bent over to pick it up and I did my thing."

The first dog again, "Well at least you are going out happy and with a bang."

The Third dog, "Going out? I am here to get my nails cut"

[Raistlin]

I left 2 Portsmouth tickets on my seat while I went into Tesco's.

I was so angry when I came back to find someone had broken into my car and left 2 more.

[Raistlin]

I'm so disappointed to hear that Alexander McQueen was found hanging in his flat today.

Does'nt he realise the noose is soooo last year?

[Raistlin]

Did you know that in Liverpool even the three characters on the rice crispies box are called Smack,Crack head and Pot

[Raistlin]

How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

[Raistlin]

I was waiting in line for a club last night and the guy at the door was checking IDs.

He was taking ages.

[Raistlin]

With Valentines day just around the corner, I thought I'd make an effort so I've booked a table for us to have a nice night out.

Apparently she doesn't like snooker.

Bitch.

[Raistlin]

An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by a car.

As she is lying on the ground, the driver, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.

"I am so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya, Are ya OK?" he blurts out.

"Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says,tearfully.

Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.

He asks, "How many fingers have I got up ?"

"Ah ********kin "ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I am paralyzed from the waist down as well !"

[Raistlin]

My fiancee and I planned to marry in front of the Addams Family at Madame Tussauds.

Instead, she shoved my head up their huge man-servants butt and ran away.

I was left in the Lurch.

[Raistlin]

Today I saw a sign which said "Watch the step"

I did, for three f*cking hours.

And it didn't do a bloody thing.

[Raistlin]

After all the hype I thought I'd do a bit of speed dating so I attended a session one night - to our surprise we just managed to have sex in under 5 minutes.

I thought I did remarkably well considering I had to drag her into an alley and did most of the talking.

[Raistlin]

"A woman has been convicted of murdering her lover of 16 years by lacing his curry with a "deadly" poison and trying to pass it off as a heart attack.

I think he had a dodgy tikka.