Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I've just been sentenced to spend an indefinite amount of time in jail.

Well, that's life.

[Raistlin]

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you have to stand up and tell everyone your name?

[Raistlin]

My friend is a member of the local lifeboat crew and he thinks it's totally wrong to have women crew members.

I soon put him straight and told him, "In this day and age you can't discriminate against women ...

... and anyway, who else is there to clean the boat?"

[Raistlin]

What do ya call a lesbian dinosaur

Alicolotopuss

[Raistlin]

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

[Raistlin]

Police are looking for a man who rapes corpses.

I gave them a call - apparently it's not a job description.

[Raistlin]

I feel sorry for that amputee guy who, having lost his right foot, was given 2 left feet by mistake.

He's been trying for months to claim the NHS, but feels he is going round in circles.

[Raistlin]

I think it's great what the Minogue sisters are doing for charities.

Kylie is the face of Breast Cancer & now Dannii has agreed to be the new face of MS.

Well done girls.

[Raistlin]

I killed the cat...

but framed curiosity

[Raistlin]

Me and my girlfriend were in the kitchen the other day when things started to get really steamy...

We don't have an extractor fan.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend has just split up with me because I talk about football too much!!

I can't believe it, we had been together 11 seasons

[Raistlin]

News:

Walter Fredrick Morrison, the man credited with inventing the Frisbee, has died aged 90.

So far they have buried him 4 times

[Raistlin]

"BA suspends crew over intimidation"

What's it got to do with him? I thought Hannibal was in charge?

[Raistlin]

I'm a PC......

And excessively tazering suspects, was my idea.

[Raistlin]

My name's Joseph Fritzl and the Chamber of Secrets was my idea

[Raistlin]

I logged on to TripAdvisor.com yesterday.

It recommended turning the lights low, taking three grams of mushrooms and then a hit of acid.

[Raistlin]

I just bought myself a new suit from the Alexander McQueen collection.

I was asked if I would like to keep the hanger, but I would need a bigger freezer.

[Raistlin]

Alexander McQueen is soon to model his own, new suit collection in this season's 'must have' material...

...pine.

[Raistlin]

I'm guaranteed to shag the missus up the butt this weekend.

She's dyslexic and thinks its Vaseline's Day.

[Raistlin]

The wife said to me, "I'll do anything for you this Valentine's Day. Your wish is my command."

I looked her deep in the eyes, I felt the lustful connection between us, and I softly said, "You know exactly what to do my darling...

...those dishes wont wash themselves!"

[Raistlin]

I see that guy died today in training for the Winter Olympics, shame.

Well, you know life, you win some, you luge some.

[Raistlin]

I've got an inferiority complex,

but it's not a very good one.

[Raistlin]

Spring: The time of year when your eyes keep running and you sneeze uncontrollably.

But if girls didn't start to wear such flimsy clothing they wouldn't have to use pepper spray.

[Raistlin]

I went to donate blood the other day, but they wouldn't take it.

Apparently they need to know where it comes from.

[Raistlin]

The worst thing about Narcolepsy is that,

when I'm right in the mi