Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My wife was trying on dresses and the shop assistant said, "I think you're a medium..."

"I knew you were gonna say that," she replied.

[Raistlin]

Apparently, using a "Baby on Board" sign when you don't have a young child in the car is illegal.

Which is why I keep a dead one in the boot at all times.

[Raistlin]

Dancing slut with daddy issues?

There's a lap for that.

[Raistlin]

My disabled mate just signed up for the wheelchair marathon.

He really likes to push himself.

[Raistlin]

My wife has just found a malignant tumour in her breast.

To cheer her up I decided to cook her some dinner.

Perhaps I shouldn't have made the gravy so lumpy.

[Raistlin]

Laughter is the best medicine....

...unless you've got cancer then its probably chemotherapy.

[Raistlin]

Toyota have announced that they will be taking part in Formula 1 this year after all.

They reckon they'll be unstoppable.

[Raistlin]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a man assures her that he can help. S

he looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis."

[Raistlin]

Hi, I am Harvey Price and licking Windows was my idea

[Raistlin]

Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

I've got some Rohypnol

And I'm doing you

[Raistlin]

Imagine if all retailers started making their own condoms and kept their own name.

Tesco Condoms, Every Little Helps.

Nike Condoms, Just Do It

Peugeot Condoms, The Ride Of Your Life

KFC Condoms, Finger Licking Good

Duracell Condoms, Just Keep Going And Going

Pringles Condoms, Once you Pop You Can't Stop

Burger Kind Condoms, Home Of The Whopper

Andrex Condoms, Soft Strong And Very Long

McDonald's Condoms, I'm Lovin' It

Polo Condoms, The One With The Hole.. Oh Bugger.

[Raistlin]

Two guys in a bar are discussing "positions" so one tells the other, "Well my favorite is the rodeo!"

and the other says, "What's the rodeo?"

"well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when you're halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, 'you know, this is your sister's favorite position too' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!"

[Raistlin]

Portsmouth FC, a team full of nationalities.

But no Cheques

[Raistlin]

A lot of fuss has been made about it being Valentines day tomorrow.

But don't forget, its also Chinese new year.

So basically;

Me Love You Long Time.

[Raistlin]

My wife isn't that bothered about Valentine's Day today.

The fat bitch is too excited about pancake day on Tuesday to even care.

[Raistlin]

Famous Last Words:

"OK, one more practice run, then I'm hitting the bar".

[Raistlin]

I built a car using only herbs once but it didn't work.

It was a complete waste of thyme.

[Raistlin]

According to the new Cow and Gate advert, 'some babies don't get enough iron'.

In all fairness, it is a bit dark down in the mines.

[Raistlin]

I forgot to get my girlfriend a gift for Valentine's Day, so instead of rushing last minute I decided to think of a respectable excuse.

"I didn't buy you anything because I didn't want to be seen catering to consumerism when there are people in Haiti without a home, let alone people starving in our own country.

I love you everyday and don't feel I need to show it you on one certain day of the year." I told her.

Job done. Then I remembered:

She was born on Valentine's Day.

[Raistlin]

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I used to be dyslexic

But now ugfnmldhrmv;d,gewudnrlfwgjir

[Raistlin]

John Terry has finally broken his silence regarding the allegations he had an affair with Wayne Bridge's ex-girlfriend.

He was quoted as saying,

"I don't know what all the fuss is about. Everyone knows if a full-back leaves a hole, it's the job of a centre-back to fill it."

[Raistlin]

My mate set me up on a blind date with his girlfriends sister.

He thought it was hilarious when I turned up suited and booted, ready for the 4 of us to go out, only to find out the little sister is 11 and he'd brought me over to babysit.

Soon wiped the smile off his face when I sent him the video of our night the next day.

[Raistlin]

Saw this fit girl in a bar, figured I'd try my luck.

Went over to her, winked and started a bit of cheeky bukkake.

She looked at me and said "Are you coming on to me?"

[Raistlin]

Now that Susan Boyle has been all over the news and the world.

Terrorists aren't so keen to get to paradise now they've seen what a virgin looks like.

[Raistlin]

A man walks in to his local pub with his pet giraffe.

They shared a few pints together and at closing time the giraffe passed out on the floor.

So the man leaves the giraffe and starts to staggered home, but out came the barman shouting "Oi, you can leave that lying there!"

The man replied with "it's not a lion... It's a giraffe!"