Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My Scottish wife shocked me today by telling me she fantasises about me dressed as a Celtic striker.

I'm not Keane.

[Raistlin]

God, dont you just hate those awkward questions you get after sex?

You know the ones:

"How was that for you?"

"When will I see you again?"

And:

"Where am I and why am I chained to this wall?!"

[Raistlin]

I found a "Long Vehicle" sign in the middle of the road.

So I picked it up and was carrying it home when the police pulled up alongside me and arrested me for theft.

I don't know why, but they wouldn't believe it fell off the back of a lorry.

[Raistlin]

Sky News:

10,000 american troops enter Jordan

Slag

[Raistlin]

So this car pulls up to me at the lights the other day and starts revving his engine, as if he wanted a race

I beat him off the lights with ease, I guess he was all torque and no action

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend woke me up at 6am this morning and told me she'd planned out a whole romantic day where we could spend every moment declaring our love for each other.

Unfortunately she 'fell' down the stairs

[Raistlin]

Chaos reigns at the winter Olympics after the death of Nodar Kumaritashvili in the luge.

The Irish Bob Sleigh team are now refusing to compete until the course is gritted first...

[Raistlin]

An American walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book by Shakespeare.

The librarian says "Which one ?"

American says "William".

[Raistlin]

Auto-erotic asphyxiation,

It's breathtakingly good.

[Raistlin]

I washed some paint off my hands with some turps, then lit a fag up and whoosh.

I got arrested for possesion of Firearms.

[Raistlin]

I started being sexually active at ten.

It's now 2 minutes past and I'm done.

[Raistlin]

I saw a very sexy female pirate today.

I thought, look at the arrrs on that..

[Raistlin]

They say that due to the injury to Ashley Cole, it will now mean Wayne Bridge and John Terry will be forced to come together.

Now if only they had could have shared and done that in the first place, there would not have been all this trouble.

[Raistlin]

I really hate the sound of my wife's voice.

She's got Irritable Vowel Syndrome.

[Raistlin]

Apparently, these new airport scanners show everything including your genitals.

Warts and all.

[Raistlin]

I've just sent my mate a carbon copy of an e-mail.

It took him a half-life to open it.

[Raistlin]

MEN HAVE THE BEST FRIENDS :

If a women comes home the next day from a night out and explains that she stayed in a friends house, the man rings her 10 good friends, just to see if its true.

The 10 women will not understand what he is talking about and dismiss the womens story.

If a man comes home in the same situation, when the women rings his 10 good friends, 8 of them will back him up and 2 of them will claim he is still there.

[Raistlin]

There's a new survey suggesting that most of the time rape is a woman's fault, in which three quarters of women said if the victim gets into bed with the rapist first, it's probably their fault.

Now all I need to do is find some chloroform, a rag and the women that took that survey.

[Raistlin]

I went to a petrified forest and all the animals were afraid of me.

[Raistlin]

The iPhone, removing the need to sneak a laptop into the bathroom since 2007.

[Raistlin]

She is so ugly she has to get the mirror drunk to put on her make up.

[Raistlin]

An old lady fell in the street and dropped her shopping everywhere.

I helped up on her feet and she started hitting me with toilet rolls thinking I was attacking her.

Charmin!

[Raistlin]

As I was walking to work this morning I passed a bloke in an RAC van, he was sobbing uncontrollably and looked really miserable.

I thought to myself, that man's heading for a breakdown.

[Raistlin]

Apparently "You've got a smashing pair of Tits" is not appropriate banter at the Ornithology Society

[Raistlin]

There ain't no stopping us now, were on the luge...