Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A well respected Doctor and his wife were having drinks in the lobby of the theater during the opening nite of a musical during intermission.

A blonde shimmied by showing that what little there was of her evening gown was spray painted on her curvy body.

She smiled and gushed, "Well, hello there Doc." and kept right on going.

After a moment's pause, the good doctor looked at his wife and said, "Don't worry dear, that's just a young lady I know professionally."

Without missing a beat, his wife asked, "Hers or Yours ?"

[Raistlin]

Why did the blond get fired from the M&M's Factory ?

She threw away all the W's.

[Raistlin]

New Scientific Theories

'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory:

You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums.

This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.

[Raistlin]

Three blondes were driving down the highway trying to get to Disneyland.

They saw a sign that read 'DisneyLand Left.'

So they went home.

[Raistlin]

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.

She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything.

The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit.

I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.

She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads."

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

[Raistlin]

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realised he had forgotten to bring any bait.

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his trouser leg.

Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

[Raistlin]

Did you hear Lassie had a son with a Rottweiler?

It rips off your arm, then runs for help.

[Raistlin]

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:

"Don't" and "Stop".

[Raistlin]

Radar: "Flight 1234, for noise abatement please turn right 45 degrees."

Pilot: "Roger tower, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"

Radar: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"

[Raistlin]

There were two cows in a paddock, enjoying the sun and eating some grass.

The first cow said "Moo."

And the second cow said "That's funny, I was just about to say that."

[Raistlin]

So there were two guys on a roof, pounding nails.

One guy pounded a nail in, then picked up another.

He was holding the nail upside down.

He unexpectedly threw the nail away.

He picked up another nail, right side up this time, and pounded this in.

He eventually threw so many upside down nails away, that his friend came over.

"Eh, what you doing? How come you're throwing away all those nails?" he asked.

"Because they're upside down," the friend replied.

The other guy looks at the friend, then, after some thought, says, "You Idiot, save them for the ceiling!"

[Raistlin]

Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean.

They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface.

After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water.

On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).

They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said "ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda.

But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out.

You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm out of here.

Make it a good one". The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!"

"Fine" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.

"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to pee in the boat"

[Raistlin]

Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together.

They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?".

The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."

So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says, "Did you see it?".

"Sure!", says his buddy.

"Where did it go?", the first guy asks.

The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember."

[Raistlin]

Why do men die before their wives?

Because they want to.

[Raistlin]

I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door.

The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Pancake Day in my life!"

[Raistlin]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The man was your doctor."

[Raistlin]

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special sir," he replied.

"We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

[Raistlin]

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

[Raistlin]

One blonde to another...

Have you ever read Shakespeare?

No. Who wrote it?

[Raistlin]

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist.

She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely.

I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me.

Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

[Raistlin]

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.

They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.

He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back.

"That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

[Raistlin]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back ?

A stick.

[Raistlin]

Why'd the monkey fall outta the tree?

'cause he was dead...

Why'd the other monkey fall outta the tree?

'cause he was dead too...

Why'd the third monkey fall outta the tree?

peer pressure...

[Raistlin]

Where do you find a dog with no legs ?

Right where you left him.