Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

There was a disasterous emergency at my house last night so I called 999.

I was offered the choice of police, ambulance or fire.

I really wasn't that bothered, any one of them could pick me up some more beer.

[Raistlin]

I've just picked up flour, eggs and milk in preparation for tonight.

That posh git next door is gonna be cleaning his new BMW for a month

[Raistlin]

Prince Charles makes a royal visit to Los Angeles.

The mayor and other bigwigs are at the airport to greet him.

The royal jet touches down and Charles gets out wearing the wierdest looking hat they've ever seen - it's made from a dead furry animal, with little legs hanging down at each corner and a tail in the back.

Everyone is too polite to mention the hat, so they welcome him to Los Angeles and give him a tour.

That night there's a big reception at the mayor's house.

Charlie is still wearing the hat.

The wine flows freely, and eventually the mayor plucks up his courage and says: "By the way, your royal majesty, that's a very unusual hat."

Charlie replies: "Yes, it is rather fetching, isn't it.

Last night one said to mama, 'I say, Mummykins, one shall be visiting Los Angeles tomorrow, what should one wear?'

She replied: 'Los Angeles? Wear the fox hat.'"

[Raistlin]

The new Durex Performa Condoms:

Durex's latest condom enhances sexual performance and delays ejaculation.

Each condom contains a small amount of the anaesthetic benzocaine to enhance performance and delay ejaculation..

Or you can just wear them inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up.

[Raistlin]

I went on a porn website earlier, and clicked on the category 'Anal'.

I imagined it to be some really uptight and organised people having sex.

I was wrong...

[Raistlin]

This morning at work the caretaker found Wong, the Chinese guy from our office, dead in the storeroom.

My guess is he was taken by supplies.

[Raistlin]

I am a teacher and I took a child's Innocence today.

That'll teach him to drink smoothies in my lessons.

[Raistlin]

I was walking past a building site, when one of the builders shouted

"Your tie looks stupid, get a blue one."

I hate constructive criticism.

[Raistlin]

Masturbation...

It Comes In Handy

[Raistlin]

BBC News - "Sherlock Holmes TV ads too loud".

Too right...

...I couldn't hear Wats on.

[Raistlin]

The questions about Lady Gaga's gender were finally settled, once and for all, when she turned up late at the Brit Awards last night.

As she took half an hour to reverse into a parking space outside.

[Raistlin]

I went to the doctor's this morning and asked him if he knew the symptoms of Parkinson's disease.

He just shook his head.

[Raistlin]

Just brought a bottled drink and it had written on the label 'still water'.

Good, because if it had changed to *****, I probably wouldn't have paid for it.

[Raistlin]

Necrophilia:

It's a grave mistake

[Raistlin]

Whats the difference between a prostitute and a fridge ?

The fridge doesn't drip when you pull the meat out.

[Raistlin]

I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll look into it for you.

[Raistlin]

My daughter has told me to stop calling her in the middle of the night.

It's not my fault that it's the only time Babestation is on.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend's just been diagnosed with cancer.

I don't know how she's going to cope on her own.

[Raistlin]

My wife told me last night that she is pregnant.

I'm gonna miss her.

[Raistlin]

Whilst some of the material on here is topical and clever, there are far too many idiots with half a brain posting racist material.

As a man of Asian descent, some of these "jokes" offend me long time.

[Raistlin]

You've heard of George Clooney in Oceans 11 !!!

Now see the new smash hit starring Gary Glitter in.. O She's Eleven.

[Raistlin]

BBC News - "Reader's Digest goes into administration".

They should have seen the writing on the wall.

[Raistlin]

Hostage taking.

It's a cut throat industry

[Raistlin]

I got some training today to help me deal with my son's epilepsy.

Bit I'll only use it when I see fit.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic = using a feather

Kinky = using the whole chicken