Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A couple is newly married and they love each other very much. Unfortunately, they get in a terrible car accident and although the man emerges from the wreckage unhurt, his wife is seriously injured and falls into a coma.

Devastated, the man waits by his wife's bedside 24 hours a day cleaning her and changing her diapers. Months pass and the woman's condition does not change. The man fears the worst.

One day after months of waiting, the man gets bored and feels up his wife's breast as it had been ages since he'd had any sexual contact. The wife suddenly arches her back and gives out a moan.

The man is shocked and excited, so he rushes out the door and summons the doctor.

The man explains what happened to the doctor and the doctor responds: "sir, that's absolutely amazing. Perhaps it is sexual stimulation that will bring your wife out of the coma. Sir, I would like you to continue with this experiment. Please, have oral sex with your wife and see if she responds. I'll wait outside the room until you're done"

The doctor waits outside the room and gives the man some privacy. They wait for several minutes. Suddenly the man rushes from the room crying and is inconsolable. The doctor grabs the man and asks: "sir, please, what happened?"

The man looks at the doctor: "doctor, my wife is dead. I had oral sex with her as you asked...and now she's gone."

The doctor asks "but sir, how is that possible?"

The man replies "she choked."

[Raistlin]

I'm thinking of starting a heavy-metal band with lyrical themes based on word-processing.

We'll be called : Italica

[Raistlin]

Once upon a time a man asked a woman to marry him,

The woman said "No",

The man lived happily ever after,

THE END

[Raistlin]

All these people who still use fractions in gambling..

If it was up to me I'd round them all up..

[Raistlin]

I heard some artist has made a twelve foot model alligator out of his own poo.

Sounds like a croc of **** to me.

[Raistlin]

I thought I would highlight the rising levels of obesity with the use of a pie chart.

[Raistlin]

I won the lottery last night.

I can finally afford to buy my wife the one thing I've always wanted to get her.

I hope she appreciates it.

Hitmen don't come cheap you know.

[Raistlin]

I've got cancer of the larynx,

but I'd rather not talk about it.

[Raistlin]

I was given a bottle of jack for my birthday.

I would have preferred a bottle with something in it.

[Raistlin]

A man goes to see his GP: "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a famous psychoanalyst."

"I see," says the doctor. "Tell me about your symptoms."

"Well, it all started when I was Jung."

[Raistlin]

I hate electronic music.

Over the years I have found it best to techno notice.

[Raistlin]

I was cross-dressing today.

I nailed it.

[Raistlin]

Psychologists have said that Kerry Katona's suicide attempt was "a cry for help."

I can get my hands on a rope - can anyone else get a gun and sleeping pills?

[Raistlin]

Is there any bigger feeling of complete relief than when you pick your Laptop up from the PC World and the police are not there waiting for you?

[Raistlin]

Does that Meerkat understand that he's giving free publicity to Compare the Market.com?

[Raistlin]

*Renew your car tax.......50 pounds

*Pay for car repairs.......100 pounds.

*Get the mechanic to fix that banging sound.......120 pounds

*The look on his face when he realises the banging sound is Maddie McCann in the boot.......

Priceless.

[Raistlin]

I just had a delicious mouth-watering Brownie.

Later I'm going to see if I can pick off any of the girl guides.

[Raistlin]

I've developed the ability to condense time.

Just last week I managed to have a one-night-stand in less than two minutes.

[Bizarra]

> Need a Good Laugh!!!

>

>

> A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

>

> While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing

> God she asked "Is my time up?"

>

> God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to

> live."

>

> Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a

> face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even

>

> had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!

> Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well

> make the

> most of it!

>

>

> After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While

> crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

>

> Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had

> another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the

> ambulance?"

>

>

>

> (You'll love this)

>

>

>

>

>

>

> God replied: "I didn't f ** kin' recognize you."

>

>

>

>

[Bizarra]

> A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually

> attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little

> restaurant.

> So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is

> from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated

> the sender with a nod of his head.

> She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at

> the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

> The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the

> note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

>

> The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a

> Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7'

> inches in your pants'.

>

>

> After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his

> own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and

> instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

>

> It read:

> 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to

> be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a

> Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in

> Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There

> is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

> But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off

> three inches. Just send the wine back..

>

>

[Raistlin]

I went to a fancy dress competition before dressed as Winston Churchill.

I thought my costume was great, I had the hat, the suit, the bow tie, everything!

When I asked them whether I'd won, they said I was close, but no cigar.

[Raistlin]

My wife ran in the bedroom excited this moring shouting " I've lost three pounds "

Without thinking I replied " What did you do, shave your pussy?"

That brought the fat bitch down a peg or two!

[Raistlin]

My wife pulled the ultimate prank on me today.

She masturbated with a cucumber she knew I was going to put on my sandwiches.

I never knew she had it in her. I never knew she had it in her.

[Raistlin]

Police are seeking a man who has so far stabbed six people to death with knitting needles all in the same area.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern..

[Raistlin]

How do you stop Jews assassinating their enemies on the sixth floor of hotels?

Pay as you go lifts..