Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I was sitting thinking over what to give up for Lent, and came down to deciding between masturbation and heroin.

I figured that to ensure the chances of success I'd give up the one I was least hooked to.

I chucked out all my needles this morning.

[Raistlin]

I was accused of pushing a man through a combine harvester.

The Police didn't have a shred of evidence.

[Raistlin]

I would drink in moderation...

But I don't know where it is.

[Raistlin]

My Grandad smokes 40 a day and his laptop's covered in phlegm.

He's a computer hacker.

[Raistlin]

All men who travel on the tube are faced at some point with the same dilema and you need to ask yourself one question...

Is better to have a pregnant woman standing or a fat woman crying?

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend told me she's joined a theatre group just for blondes.

Fair play to her.

[Raistlin]

My wife was bitterly disappointed to find me using an inflatable doll for sex.

I've let her down.

[Raistlin]

Cocaine is never a solution......

Unless, of course, you dissolve it in water..........

[Raistlin]

I've been looking into the pros and cons of optical laser surgery.

It's a real eye opener.

[Raistlin]

I tried phone sex once,

but the holes were too small.

[Raistlin]

If men aren't smarter than women, then why do they have gender specific world championships in chess?

[Raistlin]

Sky News Headline: 'Thieves try Cheryl Cole's snatch and ring'....

Hang on a minute.....maybe i misunderstood

[Raistlin]

The Makers of Viagra are announcing that they have developed a pill to increase lubrication in females.

The pill will be called Niagra.

[Raistlin]

One of the eight women I work with comes into my office today and says, "All the other girls are suing you for sexual harassment."

"What's that got to do with you?" I asked.

"You haven't even looked at me twice" She replied, "So I'm suing you for discrimination".

You can't please women, no matter what you do.

[Raistlin]

BBC news: "Archaeologists reveal the correct location of the Battle of Bosworth."

Bosworth.

[Raistlin]

7up.

To you and I, a delicious fizzy drink.

To Snow White, a cracking evening in.

[Raistlin]

I'm testing a new font that only paedophiles can read.

How's it working so far?

[Bizarra]

I'm testing a new font that only paedophiles can read.

How's it working so far?

Why is this a blank post? Don't tell me that Raist has screwed up :o

[Raistlin]

I'm testing a new font that only paedophiles can read.

How's it working so far?

Why is this a blank post? Don't tell me that Raist has screwed up :o

Tee Hee

[Raistlin]

I tried cyber sex for the first time today.

That's the last time I go to that internet cafe.

[Raistlin]

My mate just asked me if I had noticed any mistakes in EastEnders Live.

To which I replied - " you watch EastEnders? how big a mistake do you want?"

[Raistlin]

Whenever I suggest to my girlfriend that we try anal she tells me that her anus is an exit not an entrance.

Yet for some reason, whenever I use exactly the same logic to suggest that she might like to give me oral pleasure, she still tells me to bugger off.

Inconsistent bitch.

[Raistlin]

katie Price decides to go to hospital to have her love handles removed.

When she comes out of the hospital her ears are missing.

[Raistlin]

How do you know you're being groomed by a Jewish paedophile?

You get to pick what sweets you're buying.

[Raistlin]

Wales...

Because inbred people need somewhere to live too.