Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Want to serve your country by going underwater in a large tin can?

Theres a sub for that

[Raistlin]

My wife just flew off the handle...

...when the kids walked in on her masturbating with the broom.

[Raistlin]

I used to date a horse when I worked on a farm.

We had a stable relationship.

[Raistlin]

I used to get up for a slash in the middle of the night,

but since the wife got out of hospital she has hidden my Stanley knife.

[Raistlin]

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £20 for sex."

The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25..."

[Raistlin]

My 7 legged spider is called Heather Mills.

Not because it has a missing leg, but because it trapped a beetle.

[Raistlin]

I came back from work yesterday to see my wife hanging out of our top storey flat from the clothes line.

I started laughing at her for being so thick but she didn't appreciate it.

So I cut her some slack.

[Raistlin]

I went into the local chinese takeaway last night and stomped on all the food.

I'm being done for wonton destruction...

[Raistlin]

I have just started taking my driving lesson's, only problem is I'm yet to actually drive.

I think I'm being taken for a ride.

[Raistlin]

An 'Essex girl' went to a lawyer and said "I want to divorce my husband."

"On what grounds?" asks the lawyer.

"Infidelity ...

... he's not fathered any of my children."

[Raistlin]

I hate you avocado, you are rubbish.

Sometimes I dis pair.

[Raistlin]

I went to a Asthma Awareness fashion show last week.

I was shocked.

Even the fat chicks were breathtaking.

[Raistlin]

JESUS was GAY - according to the gospel of SIR ELTON JOHN.....

And I'm sure he's looking foward to the second cumming of *****.

[Raistlin]

I was in London last week, when this bloke stopped and asked me "Do you know where is best to eat out?"

I said, "Well, apparently Vanessa Perronce"

[Raistlin]

I have decided to do my bit for sport relief.

So all next week I will be getting my balls out at local schools.

[Raistlin]

I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a pun about driving a limousine.

But I have nothing to chauffeur it.

[Raistlin]

I don't rape all of the women I meet.

Only the ones that 'Just want to be friends'.

[Raistlin]

I was on the train the other day.

I sat down next to this guy, and noticed that he was practically identicle in appearence to me.

I asked him his name, to which he replied 'John Smith'.

I excalimed 'Thats my name'

I coudn't believe it... I was beside myself

[Raistlin]

I was telling my mate I had to dump my girlfriend now she was 16.

I carried on." When we first got together she was 8."

He said. " You dirty pervert. People like you should be locked up. I can't believe what you are telling me."

I said." Mate, dress size is important."

[Raistlin]

Now that Tiger has spoken, stay tuned for Ron Jeremy's apology for getting caught playing golf.

[Raistlin]

People keep throwing Tequila Slammers at me.

I take it with a pinch of salt.

[Raistlin]

Some groups recently have been questioning the efficacy of the cervical cancer screening....

I think it's just a smear campaign.

[Raistlin]

I call my little brother Trebor.

His name's actually Robert but he's a bit backward.

[Raistlin]

When I was a child, I used to love watching Blue Peter.

Not the TV programme, the kid from school, I used to steal his inhaler.

[Raistlin]

My OCD gets worse when I've been drinking.

I have even started rearranging my wife's face when I get in from the pub.