Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I got done riding my lawnmower home from the pub and was eventually charged with drink-driving.

Who grassed me up ?

[Raistlin]

I had a few Chuckles the other day.

I think their names were Barry and Paul.

[Raistlin]

My wife accused me of loving my computer more than I love her.

It's hardly surprising; my computer regularly goes down on me.

[Raistlin]

I found a way to stop the wife sucking her thumb ...

I drew a ***** on it.

[Raistlin]

I was sat in the bed with the wife when she goes "Shush, did you hear something downstairs?"

"Its probably the wind"

"No it was voices, go down and check"

"Sod off! if its burglars they'll clobber a bloke. "

"You go, its not likely that they're going to rape YOU are they luv?"

To cut a long story short. I'd left the radio on and the wife is now staying at her mothers.

[Raistlin]

I was relieved to find "The Hurt Locker" is a film, with it being all over the papers today.

As this is what the local kids call my dungeon.

[Raistlin]

My door-bell went this morning.

That's the third time this week it's been nicked.

[Raistlin]

My door-bell went this morning.

That's the third time this week it's been nicked.

[Raistlin]

Daily Mirror -

" A campaign has been launched for Liverpool to have its own bank holiday. The city's Lord Mayor said 'If any city deserves its own bank holiday, then it has to be Liverpool' "

Why?

Because they work so hard the rest of the year?

[Raistlin]

I need somewhere to store all of my drugs it's becoming a joke.

I might open a Joint account.

[Raistlin]

I remember this guy from a couple of years ago who used to cry after sex.

I used to put my arm around him and tell him, "now remember, if the guards ask, you fell, OK"?

[Raistlin]

Fat people only learn 4 letters of the Alphabet.

O,B,C,T.

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend's was abused as a kid and has always been nervous about sex.

When we finally got down to it last night I found her really slack.

I blame her dad - I'm sure he had a hand in it.

[Raistlin]

I auditioned for X factor and I got to the last round (where you go to your mentor's house).

I was in Cheryl Cole's group.

We were speaking about my chances in her garden when suddenly a snake bit me right on the tip of my *****.

Worried, I quickly rang my doctor on my mobile and said, "I've just been bitten by a snake, am I going to die?"

"Relax, there are no poisonous snakes in Britain," he replied and hung up.

"What did the doctor say?" Cheryl asked.

"You have to suck out the poison."

[Raistlin]

I've lost my favourite picture of me shagging my old school teacher.

Shame really... It was a class photo.

[Raistlin]

Did anyone else get a slight semi when they heard Cheryl Cole is now single?

[Raistlin]

Why do women buy watches when there's a clock on the oven ?

[Raistlin]

I went up to this girl and said, "Do you come here often?".

She said, "Leave it out, Dad".

[Raistlin]

Why wasn't the man upset when he split up with his calendar?

He knew their days were numbered.

[Raistlin]

BMW has announced that the new 5 Series will have a ‘Self Park’ option.

I have a few suggestions:

Self not indicating

Self pulling out into traffic when there is no gap

Self tailgating and flashing headlights

[Raistlin]

I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.

Through the driver's door.

[Raistlin]

Msn news:

[Newlywed dies] The body of journalist Katie Haines was found lying in a half-full bath of water by her husband, Richard Haines.

I like this guy, you'd have thought seeing your newly wed wife dead in the bath would be cause for pessimism,

but no, the bath is half full, not half empty.

[Raistlin]

I'm turning rastafarian, but I'm worried about the stress it will put on my hair...

I'm dreading it.

[Raistlin]

I'm a woman, and I'm tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women.

My husband has finally proven you all wrong.

He texted me just before - "Jane my little blonde bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight!

I hope you're ready for the best sex you've ever had ;). xxx"

What an idiot.

First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I'm brunette, and thirdly he's away at a conference tonight.

[Raistlin]

I'm in the mood for some Pop Tarts.....

....I'm going to rape the Sugababes.