Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about Tempura House ?

It's a shelter for lightly battered women.

[Raistlin]

Doctor, "I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

[Raistlin]

What are the three fastest means of communication ?

Internet

Telephone

Tellawoman !

[Raistlin]

How do you kill a Circus ?

Go for the Juggler.

[Red Yaris 54]

Those last 3 are OLD and CRUSTY.......................maybe it is time to find another joke page to C & P from ;)

[Raistlin]

Those last 3 are OLD and CRUSTY.......................maybe it is time to find another joke page to C & P from ;)

Trying not to be rude.........

[Raistlin]

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"

[Raistlin]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not?" giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

[Raistlin]

It seems that there were these 3 pregnant Indian Squaws, all due to give birth at about the same time.

The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the birthing was done on a deer hide.

The 2nd also gave birth to a boy, but this was done on a bear hide.

And, the third had twins, two boys, and she did this on a hippopotamus hide.

This means that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

[Raistlin]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then, the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darnit, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[Raistlin]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

[Raistlin]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

[Raistlin]

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?

"HELLLOOOOOOO..." answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

[Raistlin]

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich.

After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go.

"Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I am a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."

[Raistlin]

A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company, telephoned the Psychic Hot line to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be £ 9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad, says he man

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £ 32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress... "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Raistlin]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller Jesus."

[Raistlin]

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a pair of tracks. They stopped and examined the tracks closely.

The first lawyer announced, "Those are deer tracks. It's deer season, so we should follow the tracks and find our prey."

The second lawyer responded,"Those are clearly elk tracks, and elk are out of season. If we follow your advice, we'll waste the day."

Each attorney believed himself to be the superior woodsman, and they both bitterly stuck to their guns.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[chatman]

Some old but always the best jokes..... :lol:

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing DancingQueen on it.

I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.

I told my

girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"

I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said,

"I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.

They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU !

I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??

He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.

'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."

I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."

The bloke said "Kenwood?"

I said, "Where is he

then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.

I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?”

I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.

I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."

He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.

He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"

I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"

He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"

He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're

closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car.

He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.

He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.

The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.

It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.

I was charged with shoplifting on two Counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"

I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.

He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"

He said, "He's not your type."

I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"

He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back

tomorrow"

[Raistlin]

Excellent :D :D :D

[Raistlin]

A man goes into a pet shop that advertises "unusual pets" and tells

the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The owner says, "How about Phil, the dog?" The man replies, "Come on,

a dog can't do everything."

The owner says, "How about Miriam, the cat?" The man replies, "No way!

A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do

everything, damn it!"

The owner thinks for a minute. Then says, "I've got it! ... Charlie,

the centipede! HE can do everything. But it will cost you."

The man says, "Charlie, the centipede? ... I can't imagine a centipede

doing everything but ... okay, if you guarantee he can do everything

... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says, "Charlie, clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate.

All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away.

The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed.

He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Charlie, go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has

been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows on the

sofa plumped. Plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the

most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is a pet that really can do

everything."

He sits down to watch a little TV, turns to the centipede and says,

"Charlie, run down to the corner and get me a newspaper, please."

The centipede leaves. 10 minutes later ... no Charlie. 20 minutes

later ... no Charlie. 30 minutes later ... no Charlie.

The man is wondering what's going on. The darn centipede should have

been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later ... still no

Charlie!

The man can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run

away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is Charlie?

He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's Charlie sitting

right outside the door. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you out 45

minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's

the story?!"

The centipede says, angrily, "Hey, man, cut me some slack here, will

ya? I'm still putting on my shoes!"

[Raistlin]

A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ...then ... pow! ... it was all gone!"

"What happened?" asked the friend.

"Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."

[Raistlin]

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said, "since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... I haven't seen one back since!"

[Raistlin]

A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of the world's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cable snaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground.

The emergency brakes don't work, the emergency phone doesn't work, and they both begin to panic.

The woman screams "We're going to die!", rips of all her clothes, throws herself on the floor and says to the man "make me feel like a woman again!"

So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, and says "pick that up, bitch."

[Raistlin]

Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise ship that sank in the Bermuda Triangle.

They made it to an uninhabited island.

Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamed of what she was doing.

Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamed of what they were doing.

Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again--being so ashamed of what they were doing.