Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My Doctor thinks I'm taking hallucinogenic drugs...

how do I know?...

...let's just say a little bird told me.

[Raistlin]

Is there anyone called Phillip here?

I found your screwdriver

[Raistlin]

I finally found my Star Trek shirt after all these years!

Incidentally, it's a really odd feeling to be simultaneously both a winner and a loser.

[Raistlin]

Gamblers Anonymous:

How do they know where to send your winnings ?

[Raistlin]

Two women in a cinema.

Janet turns to Sue and said "the man sitting next to me is having a ****"

Sue said "just ignore the dirty *****"

Janet replied "I can't he is using my hand."

[Raistlin]

Compasses.

Where would we be without them ?

[Raistlin]

I've just moved into my new flat and directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I'm above the law.

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between a Ginger and an egg ?

Eggs get laid.

[Raistlin]

The worst part of necrophillia would have to be that the foreplay is very one-sided.

[Raistlin]

It feels like my ex-girlfriend is stalking me, no matter where I go she always seems to be just behind me.

Maybe it's time to take her out of the car boot.

[Raistlin]

I'm Harvey Price and licking Windows is my idea.

[Raistlin]

Ed Balls has claimed that Gordon Brown is "very upset" with the bullying accusations made against him.

In other news, Secretary of Schools Ed Balls will be taking a two week holiday to recover after he "fell down the stairs".

[Raistlin]

I've written a book about the evils of sexism.

It even has pictures, so women can enjoy it too.

[Raistlin]

I work in McDonald's and on Saturday, we hosted a little girl's 6th birthday party.

My manager informed me that the children were shrieking with joy, shouting, running around and generally being over hyper and boisterous.

I was asked to deal with the situation.

Apparently, erecting a large hand-drawn poster of Ronald McDonald with no hair, lying in bed attached to a chemotherapy drip is "not an ideal nor mature means of quietening down children and is sufficient to bring my contract of employment into review."

[Raistlin]

What do you do when you come across an elephant ?

Wipe it off.

[Raistlin]

BBC news: "Cheryl Cole announces split"

Don't worry love, a few stitches and it'll be good as new.

[Raistlin]

A friend of mine has been offering me free scuba diving lessons for years now and has told me we can start next week.

But I'm not going to hold my breath.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Singer Cheryl Cole splits with husband Ashley

Thats the most surprising and unexpected headline I've ever seen...

Cheryl Cole being called a 'singer'

[Raistlin]

My mate just told me he had premature ejaculation issues,

So as a friend I'm throwing him a party.

There's no dress code, just cum in your pants.

[Raistlin]

Airport Customs are today holding a Muslim man who was caught trying to smuggle a joint of meat into the country, it was hidden inside his anus.

They suspect he is a member of Hamass.

[Raistlin]

My wifes on a new diet where she only eats fruit and my house is full of the stuff

it's enough to make a mango crazy

[Raistlin]

People take the ***** out of me about my big teeth.

It's not really worth responding to it.

So I just bite my tongue.

[Raistlin]

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore **** asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell ***** cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"

[Raistlin]

I just got fired from my job as an ice cream man after an "innappropriate response" when the young girl asked for a Mr Whippy.

[Raistlin]

Some good news for Portsmouth football fans this morning:

After weeks of uncertainty, fear of administration and getting docked 9 points, it was revealed today that the threat of all of this was only the government winding them up.