Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Fob watch

The attention seeker's preferred method of time telling.

[Raistlin]

I went to my girlfriend's funeral yesterday and met her parents for the first time.

What a pair of miserable gits.

[Raistlin]

I was in the house on my own watching porn on the tv, the neighbours underwear on my face, ***** in one hand and tissues in the other.

The girlfriend came in the front door and by the time she came to the living room The Weakest Link was on tv, Underwear down the back of the couch, ***** away and blowing my nose with the tissue.

Who said men can't multi task.

[Raistlin]

My wife electrocuted herself accidently when she put a knife into the toaster, everyone put the blame on me.

It's not my volt.

[Raistlin]

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class today.

It was considered a weapon of math disruption.

[Raistlin]

Some people call it rape, some call it surprise sex, some even call it forced intercourse..

Personally I like to call it a hobby.

[Raistlin]

My new girlfriend is very flat-chested but I'm not bothered.

I'm much more concerned about her *****.

[Raistlin]

I made a list of 30 things to do before I die yesterday:

1. Shout for help...

[Raistlin]

From the BBC website: "27 killed in air strike in Iraq"

Blimey their unions are militant, over here we just get a few planes delayed.

[Raistlin]

Frog parking only

All others will be Toad

[Raistlin]

So, they say 'Only women can multi-task'.

Ever seen a guy watching porn ?

[Raistlin]

My mate came running out of his house claiming he'd seen ghosts taking dugs in his kitchen.

Turned out to be high spirits.

[Raistlin]

My wife is like a smart phone, I call her the " i-wife "

No matter what I do, she has a "Nag for that"

[Raistlin]

I was fired from my job as a funeral director the other day.

Apparently Mourning Wood is not acceptable in society...

[Raistlin]

I've been looking at new flats online and it came up with the most frequently asked question, How far away is the nearest children's school ?".

It's like they can read my mind.

[Raistlin]

Fat birds are always more grateful to get laid.

I found out today however, that it wasn't considered an effective defence in my rape trial

[Raistlin]

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.

'Care to go upstairs and have a shag?' the husband asks.

`Shhhh ' said the bride. `All the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper-thin.

In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, "Have you left the washing machine door open" instead?'

So the following night, the husband asks, `I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?'

'No, I definitely shut it,' replied the wife who rolled over and went to sleep.

When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little randy herself and she nudged her husband and said, `I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?'

'No thanks,' said the husband, 'it was only a small load and I've done it by hand.

[Raistlin]

Why didn't the gardener plant toadstools in his greenhouse ?

Because there wasn't mushroom.

[Raistlin]

I think you know you should dump your girlfriend when you take her to the abortion clinic and she asks for "The usual"

[Raistlin]

My mate said he was going to show me something really strange and unusual.

He handed me a part of a fishing rod.

I said, "What's unusual about that?"

He replied, "Surreal..."

[Raistlin]

Whilst masturbating earlier, I managed to ejaculate in a 360 degree rotation and hit the exact spot I originally started.

I think I've come full circle.

[Raistlin]

I thought I was writing a screenplay, but now I'm not so sure...............

I think I'm losing the plot.

[Raistlin]

I work at a Shipyard.

It's riveting.

[Raistlin]

A woman aged 100 years was beaten to death with a cricket bat.

A spokesman said, "She had a good innings".

[Raistlin]

This girl asked me out last night but she had a really loud voice.

So I had to turn her down.