Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My iPhone is only letting me write in lower case letters.

There's no CAPS for that

[Raistlin]

A Jew moved into the house next door to me yesterday.

He invited me round this morning for tea and biscuits.

I just went round there and he said, "Where's the tea and biscuits ?"

[Raistlin]

I heard Ashley Cole cheated on Cheryl because she mimed her orgasms.

[Raistlin]

Before raping a woman, I like to wrap them up in chewing gum.

It makes them Extra Wrigley....

[Raistlin]

I got lost on my first day of college, which is when I met my wife.

She was lost too, and neither her or I knew what class we were supposed to be in.

And as I stared into her eyes, I knew, that we had chemistry.

[Raistlin]

The fire safety team who were reviewing the Amazon ebook reader were working very long hours.

They were burning the Kindle at both ends.

[Raistlin]

I have just filled my fishtank up to the top with Lilt.

It looks totally tropical....

[Raistlin]

Apparently childbirth is the most painfull human experience.

<the spuds of lurrrrvve>s.

When a woman has a child, it's not unusual for them to be trying for another within months.

But I got kicked in the balls once, and I'm not planning on trying that again anytime soon.

[Raistlin]

I've just been reading about the trainer killed violently by a killer whale in front of large crowds of people whilst doing a show at Seaworld in Florida.

Certain aspects of the story have left me really upset.

Primarily the fact that nobody in the crowd has yet had the decency to upload the video to Youtube.

[Raistlin]

I was chatting up a girl in a bar last night and she commented that I had "very hypnotic eyes".

Good old Rohypnol, it never lets me down.

[Raistlin]

Apparently, Cheryl Cole is going to make a sum of 210 million pounds from her divorce with Ashley Cole.

All she has to do is email her account details to a Nigerian banker.

[Raistlin]

I got a sweater for my birthday,

I would've preferred a moaner or a screamer instead.

[Raistlin]

I was walking through Afghanistan when a jar of mayonnaise struck me in the back of the head.

I hate Hellmann's province.

[Raistlin]

Killer whale kills trainer in America.

A spokesman at Sea World said, "It's a tragedy, but I don't think he did it on porpoise."

[Raistlin]

BBC News : Boy dies after lamppost falls on him in Chiswick

Mother says "He was the light of my life"

[Raistlin]

I had to take my hat off to my wife today whilst I stood with my mates outside the pub.

Just paying my respects as her heubik went by.

[Raistlin]

My favorite sexual position is the Toyota.

I don't stop no matter how much you scream.

[Raistlin]

I saw on BBC News that tourists were 'shocked' that a Killer Whale has killed its trainer in a SeaWorld show.

Surely the clue is in the name?

[Raistlin]

I recently got my 16 year old girlfriend pregnant!

When her mum and dad found out they were furious and said if we got rid of it they would pay for us to go on holiday.

Apparently "I could murder for a holiday" was not the appropriate responce.

[Raistlin]

I asked a gypsy girl to tell me my fortune.

She sat next to me and put her hand on my leg.

I think she was trying to palm me off.

[Raistlin]

Definition of irony:

Josef Fritzl being raped in his prison cell.

[Raistlin]

I just smoked my first fag.

It took four bullets to kill him though.

[Raistlin]

Ok so there are Meerkats on sale in China and Thailand

Can someone please advise me on which website I use to compare them ?

[Raistlin]

Paddy takes his goldfish to the vet and says it's got Epilepsy

The vet says "it looks calm enough to me"

Paddy says "hang on, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet"

[Raistlin]

My mates cat was stolen, skinned and made into a school bag.

He's coming to terms with it.