Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Apparently Blackpool is the England's answer to Las Vegas.

Only if the question Vegas is asking is 'Where can I go on a **** stag-night that ends with me being ****ed off in a *****-sodden bus shelter by a fifty-five year old prostitute'.

[Raistlin]

Yesterday I called into work and told the boss i can't come in because im sick.

"How sick are you?" asks the boss.

I replied "Well, I'm currently shagging my daughter."

[Raistlin]

Just got back from babysitting my 14 year old niece.

They offered me some money for it but I told them not to be stupid and it was my pleasure.

I dont think they understood what I actually meant.

[Raistlin]

Man I love being single,

and by being single I mean ****ing

....****ing and crying

[Raistlin]

I lied to my friends and told them I'd created a life-size replica of Jackie Chan entirely out of old silk ties.

It's a complete fabric Asian.

[Raistlin]

My Nan got attacked by thugs with a blow torch.

She got badly burned, but she's soldering on.

[Raistlin]

Kids really haven't got a clue these days.

Thanks to my new balaclava.

[Raistlin]

My wife went out to buy a new car but all she came back with was a bar stool.

Apparently, it's the new Seat.

[Raistlin]

I was walking past my neighbours white van that was covered in dirt and someone has wrote on it, "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van."

I couldn't help myself from writing, " She is... When your at work"

[Raistlin]

It's disgusting seeing all these grown men reduced to a drooling mess now that Cheryl Cole is back on the market.

I mean, if she was 10 years younger then maybe.

[Raistlin]

Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

[Raistlin]

One sunny afternoon, a priest, a doctor and a lawyer were stuck behind a particularly slow group of golfers.

After three holes, they complained to the greenskeeper.

"Sorry, guys. That's a group of blind firefighters," the man explained. "They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from burning down last year, so we let them play here anytime for free."

"That's so sad," the priest said. "I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."

"Good idea," the doctor agreed. "I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

"I guess," the lawyer said. "But why can't they play at night?"

[Raistlin]

I was thrown out of a club last night by a 'bouncer'.

Probably shouldn't have called her that in the first place.

[Raistlin]

I've taken up Bee Keeping.

I've only got one.

Takes the danger out of it.

[Raistlin]

Playing frisby with the kids the other day.

I couldn't work out why the frisby kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

[Raistlin]

I dumped my girlfriend today.

It was hard, but I eventually got her body into the bin liner.

[Raistlin]

I just finished designing a Sex Doll for Muslim men

It blows up itself.

[Raistlin]

I tried that hoover masturbating trick the other day.

You know the one where you put your knob in the vacuum cleaner.

Well anyway it sucked.

[Raistlin]

I'm never wrong...

I thought I was wrong once but it turns out I was mistaken...

[Raistlin]

Jordan was said to have been furious at Ann Summers as they wouldn't allow her to buy a big red dildo.

Sales representatives have been quoted as saying "Unfortunately, we are unable to sell Fire Extinguishers to our customers"

[Raistlin]

So, Portsmouth have gone into administration.

According to RBS rules that means every player gets a bonus of £1.5m

[Raistlin]

"I am finally divorcing that lying, cheating, Chelsea Player and I am coming round to be with you big boy.

Love you always, Cheryl xx"

Carlsberg don't do text messages but if they did they'd probably be the best text messages in the world.

[Raistlin]

I just heard that Michael Barrymore is interested in the trainer's job at Sea World.

He can't resist a big pool with a free Willy.

[Raistlin]

If a tree falls on a woman in the middle of the forest, does she make a noise ?

Hang On.

WTF is a forest doing in the kitchen ?

[Raistlin]

I was shagging a lobster before,

but she didn't really seem to be enjoying it....

Apparently I'm a shellfish lover.