Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I personally think it's preposterous that women say "All that men want is sex"

Completely false.

I want my ironing, cooking and cleaning done as well...

[Raistlin]

Today, while sitting at the fun fair, I really felt like a 8 year old again.

But there was just too many parents around.

[Raistlin]

I love swiming,

In fact they call me the Torpedo

Not because I'm fast and slick,

But rather when I bump into girls in the pool I explode and release seamen into the water.

[Raistlin]

CUSTOMER NOTIFICATION.

As of May 2010 Viagra will only be available through chemists by its chemical name.

So please ask for MYCOXAFLOPPIN.

Thank you

[Raistlin]

"We interrupt this Ant & Dec gameshow to bring you footage of Ashley Cole sobbing uncontrollably into a half pint of Shandy"

Carlsberg don't do Saturday night television...

[Raistlin]

My poor son tripped at school today and ended up in hospital.

Social Services are demanding to know why I sold him the acid.

[Raistlin]

I see Gary Coleman has been hospitalised after having another seizure

It's a case of Different Strokes

[Raistlin]

Viagra eyedrops make you look hard.

[Raistlin]

My wifes just asked me which features on her face make her look attractive .

My genitalia is apparently the wrong answer.

[Raistlin]

Recent research has shown that six out of seven dwarves aren't Happy

[Raistlin]

8 out of 10 victims of domestic violence suffer abuse from their partner on more than one occasion.

Then they should've listened the first time...

[Raistlin]

Non alcoholic lager is like going down on your sister,

It tastes the same but you know it just isn't right

[Raistlin]

I have just had a bitter row with the missus.

She thinks Tetley's is better than Boddingtons.

[Beanbag]

I have just had a bitter row with the missus.

She thinks Tetley's is better than Boddingtons.

Love these jokes, all of them. In fact, I wrote some of them myself. How about quoting your sources of inspiration. http://www.sickipedia.org

;)

[Raistlin]

The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern.

"Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day."

"Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"

[Raistlin]

My wife asked me last night if I think about her when I'm ****ing.

I replied, "You should be so lucky, I don't even think about you when I'm shagging you."

[Raistlin]

So Wayne Bridge has been taken off early against Chelsea.

Probably trying to beat John Terry home

[Raistlin]

Want to make ****ing more challenging?

Try posting hallfway through.

[Raistlin]

I had sex with the wife last night after ten pints of Stella.

It was like trying to play snooker with a bit of rope.

[Raistlin]

What can make a rape go terribly wrong ?

Consent

[Raistlin]

I told a girl last night "I've really got the hots for you, Do you want to have sex with me ?"

She immediately said "Yes!"

A Blow torch held close to the face always does the trick.

[Raistlin]

Today I joined a gym. While entering the changing rooms I noticed a sign on the door which read:

"Girls over the age of 6 years old are not permitted in the men's changing room."

I think I'm going to like this gym

[Raistlin]

If Chelsea get a corner today it'll be the first time Wayne Bridge and John Terry have been in the same box since...

[Raistlin]

Sexualisation of children?

In my opinion, sending preteen girls off in the morning dressed as schoolgirls was asking for trouble...

[Raistlin]

My Wife: "Can you sort out the kids dinners?"

Me: "Sure, cottage pie sound alright?"

My Wife: "Nah, Sharif don't like it."

Me: "Rock the Casbah."

(Six long years I've been waiting to do that)