Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Rescuers searching for survivors in the rubble of a hotel at the recent Haiti earthquake heard an Irish voice shouting for help.

''What's your name?'' asked a helper.

''Paddy'' came the reply.

''Where are you Paddy ?'' the helper asked.

''Room 236''.

[Raistlin]

Injecting yourself with certain drugs is just wrong.

You're supposed to smoke them...

[Raistlin]

Mind you, in fairness to Wayne Bridge for not shaking John Terry's hand,

Terry did say "smell my fingers" half a second before handshake.

[Raistlin]

She is wheelchair bound,

Mute,

She has serious memory lapses,

She is a virgin,

Carlberg don't do girlfriends...

[Raistlin]

Stockings and suspenders.

Crotchless panties.

Micro miniskirt.

See through blouse.

Carlsberg don't make School Uniforms.........

[Raistlin]

A man meets a woman at a local bar on a Saturday night.

"Hey good looking, how are you?" the man politely asks.

"Cut the bull****, your place or mine?" she replied.

The couple end up going back to his house.

"So, you sit yourself down and watch Match of the Day while I get you another drink, ok?" she says.

The man is astonished at what she has just said. "A kebab, too?" she continued. To be polite, he agreed.

The guy is sat watching his favourite team, and the woman comes back with beer, a kebab, and no clothes on.

She lets him know that after the football, she will be waiting for him upstairs for the greatest sex he has ever had.

As the night came to an end the woman refused to cuddle after the sex, refused to have a long chat, did not complain, and even complimented the guy on his size.

She left him her telephone number and said she will meet him again next week with some adventurous girlfriends.

She also called her own taxi to go home in before 1am.

Carlsberg don't do females...

[Raistlin]

Wayne Bridge has just texted John Terry:

"Now that's how you're supposed to play away from home."

[Raistlin]

On the MSN home page "The top 10 places to meet women"

I can't believe in a dark alley whilst wearing a balaclava isn't there...

[Raistlin]

That NHS stop smoking advert tells us that kids will do anything for us if we stop smoking.

I still think they'll do more for a bag of sweeties laced with Rohypnol.

[Raistlin]

So I went on a date with this girl...and who's our waitress ?

My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my birthday present.

[Raistlin]

I went into the barber's and asked for a short back and sides.

I came out with a curvature of the spine.

[Raistlin]

Gaviscon,

Because swallowing white men in liquid form solves all the ladies problems.

[Raistlin]

Hopefully my wife's giving me a hand-job later.

Touch wood.

[Raistlin]

In a recent interview lady gaga was asked how she kept her femininity

she replied "Oh its easy, Gaffer tape."

[Raistlin]

Telling a guy he "pisses like a champ" while hanging over his shoulder apparently freaks people out.

Touchy touchy.

[Raistlin]

The boss called one of his employees into his office and told him, "Jenkins, I've decided to make you the plant manager."

"Gee, thanks boss," the worker said. "What do I have to do?"

"Just water them every day."

[Raistlin]

If it can't be explained by the limits of your intellect, simply credit it to God or Aliens.

This will distract you from painful truth and the realisation that you are in fact retarded..

[Raistlin]

Losing the Captain's Armband

3 Million Per Year

Losing the Faith of the Bristish Public

6 or 7 Good performances

10 days Dubai Holiday for two

£4000

Wayne Bridge realising why his wife was "never in the mood"

Priceless.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the self-employed Irishman who got the sack?

[Raistlin]

Aston Villa's trophy cabinet is like a fat ginger girl's pussy...

Nothing is going in them tonight.

[Raistlin]

Guys have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

[Raistlin]

I just looked up house wife in the Thesarurus,

Apparently its another word for Sandwich Maker.

[Raistlin]

I just walked into the patio doors and broke my nose.

It's a bloody pane when that happens.

[Raistlin]

I got caught sleeping on the job today so they fired me.

I can't defend my actions too much.

I was driving an oil tanker at 60mph down the M6 at the time.

[Raistlin]

I turned my bluetooth on the mobile and changed my name to, "Screwing my mum."

Only for one reason...

If someone asks, "Who's screwing my mum ?"

I will smile and answer that question for them.