Raistlin's Joke Page

[Beanbag]

So, i was round at my nan's earlier for Sunday lunch.

She'd laid out a good spread; some chicken, carrots, peas and yorkshire puddings.

AND THEN I CUMMED ON HER FACE!!!

[Bizarra]

So, i was round at my nan's earlier for Sunday lunch.

She'd laid out a good spread; some chicken, carrots, peas and yorkshire puddings.

AND THEN I CUMMED ON HER FACE!!!

Huh ????????

[Beanbag]

My mum fell asleep last night and I wrote !Removed! on her head lol

[Raistlin]

My mum fell asleep last night and I wrote penus on her head lol

And the joke is ?

[Raistlin]

Doctors claim that you can improve your appearance by regularly doing something you find soothing ....

So I've started self harming...

[Raistlin]

My wife said she fancied a bit of swinging.

I said "pick a rafter".

[Raistlin]

At least 25,000 English council jobs will be at risk in the next three to five years, a BBC survey suggests.

That's terrible news, that could leave some departments with as little as 3 people to do the work of one person in the private sector.

[Raistlin]

I diagnosed an Arab man with Parkinson's today.

Apparently, he was some kind of Sheikh.

[Raistlin]

He sees you when you're sleeping

He knows when you're awake

He knows if you've been bad or good...

...but enough about Jesus.

[Raistlin]

Whats claret and blue and goes beep beep beep ?

The Aston Villa open top bus reversing into the garage.

[Raistlin]

My cousins gay,

I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

[Raistlin]

Russell Crowe had never been too keen on the idea of giving oral,

But after trying it on his new girlfriend he was Gladiator.

[Raistlin]

I just met a man in the doctor's with half a hand.

He didn't feel too well.

[Raistlin]

I was out walking the dog this morning when I discovered a body.

It looked like he'd been beaten to death with a huge fish then spray painted pink, yellow and lime green.

I called the cops and they said it was the work of a surreal killer.

[Raistlin]

It's quarter past eleven in the morning and my postwoman has only just come round

That Rohypnol was stronger than I thought.

[Raistlin]

After years of painstaking research I've found that the best thing to mix with vodka.

Underage girls.

[Raistlin]

Hi, I'm looking for a website that will purchase all manner of automobiles off me regardless of price.

Any ideas ?

[Raistlin]

After arguing with two of my work colleges I was sent to an anger management course.

I believe it's all the rage.

[Raistlin]

I recently quit my job at the helium gas factory.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

[Raistlin]

I was driving the other day and suddenly a blind boy wandered into the middle of the road.

He didn't know what hit him.

[Raistlin]

Two blondes talking, One says to the other "I've just taken a pregnancy test"

The other replies "Were the questions hard ?"

[Raistlin]

Hi, I'm Kate McCann and leaving the windows open was my idea...

[Raistlin]

Hi, I'm Joseph Fritzel and having no windows was my idea...

[Raistlin]

I've heard of a dog eating a slipper.

But a whale eating a trainer...

[Raistlin]

I must make it clear how outraged I am by these crude jokes about the death of Kristian Digby, mostly referencing his sexuality.

Surely the loss of this young man should alert us to how precious life is.

One moment you're alive, the next you're gone with a poof.