Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

BBC: At least 50 people are killed, most of them in France.

Carlsberg don't do headlines but...

[Raistlin]

When smuggling drugs through airport security, be sure to take a double dose of viagra before you travel.

Nothing prevents a full cavity search more efficiently than a throbbing erection.

[Raistlin]

I went into a public toilet today and it was overflowing, with turds in the bowl.

I thought to myself 'That's out of order'

[Raistlin]

"Man hits woman with a large metal kitchen appliance after creases in his favourite shirt."

That's has irony written all over it.

[Raistlin]

I like my women how I like my coffee.

With two E's in her.

[Raistlin]

I went for an interview as a primary school teacher yesterday and they asked me: "What do you think will be the hardest part if you get this job ?"

Apparently "My pants." wasn't an acceptable answer...

[Raistlin]

What's the hardest thing about having a screaming baby in your arms ?

Having to outrun the police.

[Raistlin]

I called that rape advice line last night.

Turns out it's for victims only...

[Beanbag]

For all these jokes, and many others that this ***** may steal,

http://www.sickipedia.org

You know it makes sense.

[Raistlin]

And your point...

Did I claim to write them... No

The jokes come from several sources and various group emails I receive.

Tell me what you post under and I won't use them as it seems to upset you .

If not get a life...

[Raistlin]

I met a girl in a bar last night who was wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the slogan, "Sex is not a crime".

I soon changed her opinion.

[Raistlin]

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster.

As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track.

I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out.

I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.

By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time.

As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

[Raistlin]

Why did Cleopatra take milk baths ?

She couldn't find a cow tall enough for a shower.

[Raistlin]

Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."

He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.

He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small World!"

[Raistlin]

How many Chelsea players does it take to change a light bulb ?

Several actually.

1 to change the bulb,

1 to shag the bulb,

1 to pay off the old bulb,

Abramovich to buy all the best bulbs and then stand there scratching his head as they don't seem to perform as well as they should,

Someone to pick up Drogba as he fell over the new bulb ,

And someone to take a bulb to Dubai.

[Raistlin]

How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

None

Let the bitch cook in the dark...

[Raistlin]

I used to love going to school every morning.

Damn this restraining order.

[Raistlin]

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection.

The first one says:"I have to confess, I held mans ***** in one hand."

St. Peter says:"You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in."

The second says:"I have to confess, I held mans ***** in both hands."

St. Peter:"Wash both your hands and go in.

Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible.

St.Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks *What's going on?

One of them shouts I want to gargle, before she washes her ***** in there.

[Raistlin]

My youngest is in trouble at school, this time for doing algebra in his English class.

He's a problem child.

[Raistlin]

Scientists have recently discovered that cum contains vital nutrients for hair growth as well as the prevention of split ends and dandruff.

Now only if we could get Cheryl Cole to do the advert...

[Raistlin]

I've just got back from the Hospital, they reckon I might have Pnneumonoultramicroscopicsillicovolcanocaniosis......

But it's hard to say...

[Raistlin]

What do you call a man with an area of 10,000 square metres ?

Hector.

[Raistlin]

I work in Birmingham and there are strong rumours locally that Cadburys will be moving up to 20 percent of its chocolate production to Beijing.

Personally I think it's just Chinese whispers.

[Raistlin]

I met a girl last night and took her home.

I fingered, slapped, picked and even licked.

I'd say she was quite impressed with my bass guitar skills.

[Raistlin]

Rape is like fun fair ride.

Scream if you want to go faster.