Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

4 out of 5 voices in my head agree I'm not a schizophrenic.

[Raistlin]

My wife brings me little things home each day from work to cheer me up.

She's a Primary School teacher.

[Raistlin]

People always say bus drivers are inconsiderate *****s but my experience is completely the opposite.

Whenever the bus is full up the driver always takes the time to slow to a crawl past bus stops so those of us fortunate enough to be on it can see the looks of distress on the faces of commuters left stranded and flip them the middle finger as we pull away.

[Raistlin]

It's just disaster after disaster lately.

First Haiti, then Chile, now my ps3.

[Raistlin]

A girl once tried to impress me by showing off her extensive stamp collection

I told her Philately will get you nowhere

[Raistlin]

I entered a contest in my local village for the longest erection.

It was stiff competition.

[Raistlin]

Rape alarms apparently now guarantee that police will be there within 5 minutes...

Great news!

I can stay and do the bitch twice.

[Raistlin]

A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge."

The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge ?"

The woman says, "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster."

[Raistlin]

Plans to make CSI Liverpool have been scrapped after it was discovered no one has any dental records and everyone has the same DNA.

[Raistlin]

I've landed a job talking to oriental immigrants about their future employment prospects.

I'm a Korea Advisor...

[Raistlin]

Apparently most of us wouldn't give an organ but we would take one...

Same rule applies to blow jobs really.

[Raistlin]

Look Mr Digby these pressure tactics are just silly, you can lie there all you want but we're not going to just buy this place without seeing the other properties...

Mr Digby ??...

[Raistlin]

Look Mr Digby these pressure tactics are just silly, you can lie there all you want but we're not going to just buy this place without seeing the other properties...

Mr Digby ??...

[Raistlin]

Look Mr Digby these pressure tactics are just silly, you can lie there all you want but we're not going to just buy this place without seeing the other properties...

Mr Digby ??...

[Raistlin]

Look Mr Digby these pressure tactics are just silly, you can lie there all you want but we're not going to just buy this place without seeing the other properties...

Mr Digby ??...

[Raistlin]

Look Mr Digby these pressure tactics are just silly, you can lie there all you want but we're not going to just buy this place without seeing the other properties...

Mr Digby ??...

[Raistlin]

Whenever I see those 12 year old boys cooking up amazing dishes on Junior Master Chef, all I can think is:

"Your mother is clearly a lazy bitch who doesn't love you!"

[Raistlin]

So Cheryl is letting Ashley back into the house for 15 Minutes.

She obviously hasn't seen the trolley dash on supermarket sweep.

[Raistlin]

Marriage is like a phone call in the middle of the night.

First the ring and then you wake up.

[Raistlin]

I spent yesterday evening with my new girlfriend and she was giving me all the right signs.

She's definitely going to pass her driving theory test next week.

[Raistlin]

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.

3. On the other hand . . . you have different fingers.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

12. I intend to live forever--so far so good.

13. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

14. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

16. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

18. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

19. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive (or golf)!

22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

23. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

25. Change is inevitable . . . except from vending machines.

26. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

27. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

28. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

29. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

30. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you

[Raistlin]

I'm taking a sickie from work tomorrow,

I'm not ill,

It's just one of the bonuses of working in a children's hospital

[Raistlin]

I just drove to the shops and noticed that there were loads of massive cracks in the road.

Surely they could get the labourers to wear better fitting trousers when they're doing roadworks in public ?

[Raistlin]

BBC News:

"Boy arrested over Scooter fire."

That sick.

What kind of ***** sets fire to a muppet ?

[Raistlin]

Met a stunning woman at a property convention.

She told me she lives in a mansion so rural she can walk around her home naked with the curtains open.

I told her I was currently developing a semi into something much bigger.