Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Downloaded an illegal copy of the, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' game.

Hosted by Chris Torrent.

[Raistlin]

An Office World truck ploughed into my car me last week, giving me severe whiplash and leaving my motor totally written off.

Now, to add insult to injury it looks like I'm going to be held responsible for the accident despite the fact he drove into the back of me.

The woman I spoke to at my insurance company said that there's a clause in the smallprint on my policy that says that I'll be held liable for any crash with a stationery vehicle.

[Raistlin]

People never believe me when I tell them that I was in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,

But I'm dead Sirius.

[Raistlin]

I've just had an accident in my brand new car.

It's my own fault, I pulled out without checking first.

There's jizz all over seats now.

[Raistlin]

Silence is golden...

But rape tape is silver.

[Raistlin]

I just got off at my train station.

****ing outdoors is such a rush.

[Raistlin]

Just failed my theory test.

Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.

[Raistlin]

I put my clothes on the line earlier.

I think my gambling addiction has gone too far.

[Raistlin]

I tried setting up my own aviation business

It just didn't take off

[Raistlin]

You should come over to myspace and twitter my yahoo until I google all over your facebook.

[Raistlin]

A rather attractive early-teenager with her dog was in Pets at Home where I work and said to me she was looking for a "large meaty bone.

" Grinning eerily, I grabbed my crotch and rubbed it and proclaimed "How about this one "

In hindsight though, I'm not surprised that I'm now signing on, Monday morning, 10am sharp.

[Raistlin]

I just booked a Chinese Journey tribute act to sing at my funeral,

All together now "Don't stop bereaving"

[Raistlin]

Today I have learnt two important lessons about life;

1. Farmers will actually shoot at you if the opportunity presents itself.

2. Sheep are a lot harder to knock out and pin down than you would think.

[Raistlin]

Steven Hawkins goes on a date, the first in over ten years.

He arrives back from his date with a broken wrist, broken ankle, and scuffed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.

[Raistlin]

My wife had an industrial accident at work this morning...

She tripped over the cat on her way from the kitchen with my breakfast

[Raistlin]

I went to the Doctor's today.

He said that my sodium intake was far too high.

I took his advice with a pinch of salt.

[Raistlin]

I tried water Skiing today and I quickly learnt two valuable lessons,

1. If you fall over, let go of the rope,

2. If you don't let go of the rope, keep your mouth shut.

[Raistlin]

A womans dead body was discovered this morning with semen in her eyes.

The police said she probably saw her killer coming...

[Raistlin]

*** MAN RULES ***

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

[Raistlin]

Clarkson's fat.

Hammond's short.

May's got poor dress sense.

The Stig can't show his face in public.

Together they make a convincing paedophile.

[Raistlin]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. No NO you really do have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[KPARRIS-JONES]

I cannot tell you how many times I have thought each and everyone one of the above! OMG that is just scary!

[Raistlin]

I cannot tell you how many times I have thought each and everyone one of the above! OMG that is just scary!

But did you have the nerve to say them out loud in front of a Lady ? :censor: :shutit:

[Raistlin]

You can say what you want about the paedophile on my estate..

But he at least has the courtesy to drive slowly past the school.

[Raistlin]

I was lying in bed with my girlfriend the other night when she turned to me and asked: "Do you know what Rohypnol is ? "

Apparently "lots of fun and a %$(ing good night out" was not the response she was expecting.

Needless to say, I'm now single...