Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.

Wedding cake!

[Raistlin]

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster.

Whack!

The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell.

A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."

[Raistlin]

Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?

Nobody will look for them.

[Raistlin]

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

[Raistlin]

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even=

drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered.

"Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?

It changes their blood type.

[Raistlin]

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!

[Raistlin]

What do you call a gay dinosaur ?

Megasorass.

[Raistlin]

Herman the hypochondriac began sobbing before a doctor.

"I'm sure I've got a liver disease, and I'm gonna die from it."

"Ridiculous," said the doctor. "you'd never know if you had the disease or not. With that ailment there's no discomfort of any kind."

"Right," said Herman, "those are my exact symptoms."

[Raistlin]

A man and wife entered a dentist's office.

The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

[Raistlin]

How is sex like air ?

It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any.

[Raistlin]

What is the Australian for foreplay ?

Brace yourself, Sheila !

And the Welsh ?

Are you awake, Gwen ?

[Raistlin]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Raistlin]

How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party ?

The cake jumps out of the girl.

[Raistlin]

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty Rav 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library ?

Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been coloured in yet.

[Raistlin]

A man was talking to his wife one evening over supper.

"Get this..." he chuckled, "That ridiculous janitor of ours claims he's made love to every woman in the building except one."

"Hmmmmmmmmm," said his wife, assuming a thoughtful faraway type expression,

"It must be that stuck-up Mrs. Stewart on the eighth floor."

[Raistlin]

There were two cats that enjoyed running together.

The first cat was english, called One-two-three.

The other was french and called Un-deux-trois.

One day when they were running they came to a huge river. The cats took a large run up and leapt as far as they could. Which cat drowned?

Un-deux-trois cat sank

[Raistlin]

One day a 10 year old boy was walking down the road when a car pulled up beside him.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car" the driver said.

"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.

"How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.

"No way", replied the irritated youngster.

"What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy

"OK, I know what you want, I'll give you £100 and a bag of lollies", the driver offered.

"NO," screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver with a long

sigh.......

The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you live with it."

[Raistlin]

And Jesus said unto his disciples, "Whom do men say that I am?"

And His disciples answered unto Him, "Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch."

And Jesus said, "Say What?"

[Raistlin]

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[Raistlin]

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!"

"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies.

"Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."

"But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."

[Raistlin]

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER

[Raistlin]

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time.

She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again -- the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering.

"I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

[Raistlin]

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."