Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom ?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."

[Raistlin]

My wife has just given birth to twin daughters.

She asked me "What do you think of when you look at them both together ?"

Apparently "Threesome" was not the answer she had hoped for...

[Raistlin]

Police have just come and confiscated my breakfast....

Apparently the Eggs were Poached.

[Raistlin]

Oh the Irony....

My predictive text doesn't know how to spell Nostradamus.

[Raistlin]

Redhead Oral Sex,

It's ginger lickin' wood...

[Raistlin]

Where's the best place to bury a ginger person ?

Seriously, the Police will be here any minute now...

[Raistlin]

Opinions are like orgasms,

Mine's more important and I don't care if she has one...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: MPs to get a £1,000 pay rise.

Good on them, after the bad press the poor guys got over expenses, they clearly deserve this...

[Raistlin]

My wife tripped over yesterday and broke her jaw.

Being the loving husband I dropped everythimg at work and travelled 50 miles to the A& deparment to meet her, yet I still have to sleep on the sofa tonight.

Apparently "So I guess a blow job's out of the question tonight" was not an appropriate greeting in the casualty dept...

[Raistlin]

I read there the other day that drinking is bad for you.

So I've decided to give up reading.

[Raistlin]

L'Oreal say you're worth it and deserve to look and feel your best.

So why do they make ginger hair dye ?

[Raistlin]

I invented a cold air balloon,

But it didn't take off...

[Raistlin]

I've spent all day fixing tubes to cars so that fumes can escape from them,

It's been exhausting...

[Raistlin]

I was driving to work today and saw a woman driving down the road with her hazard lights on,

At least she's honest...

[Raistlin]

I asked my girlfriend what she would like for her birthday.

She said, "Get me something expensive that I don't really need."

So I've booked her in for chemotherapy.

[Raistlin]

I was having my evening meal at the local Chinese last night,

The lights were so bright, I had to dim sum...

[Raistlin]

My wife's annoyed with me because I keep demanding oral sex,

She said she's had it up to the back teeth...

[Raistlin]

What's got two black eyes and hates sex ?

A Panda...

[Raistlin]

A taxi driver has two beautiful girls sitting in the back of his taxi.

He overhears their conversation about who they think the best lovers in the world are.

One of them thinks it's the cowboys and the other thinks jews are.

So they say to the driver: "Driver, what do you think?"

The driver replies: "Well I think you're both right."

The girls then ask: "Oh, what's your name by the way?"

The driver replies: "Hopalong Goldstein."

[Raistlin]

It would seem that most women feel that ' suck it or I'll cut you ' is a threat and not a chat up line.

What do I care it works for me...

[Raistlin]

Women's Rights.

Putting the Iron in Irony.

[Raistlin]

What's the best part of Anal Lube ?

The bit where you pretend putting some on...

[Raistlin]

"Hey honey, I've ditched that cheating git Ashley after he cheated on me and I was wondering if I could come over tonight for some hot, steamy sex.

Love, Cheryl xxxx"

Carlsberg don't do text messages, but if they did...

[Raistlin]

Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise.

Paddy turns to Murphy and says "It's quiet tonight"

"Everyone will be watching the band" replies Murphy

"There's no band you daft ******" says Paddy

"Sure there is, the announcement earlier said Abandon ship"

[Raistlin]

The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the shelf the magazine came from.