Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I liked nostalgia better in the old days...

[Raistlin]

I was in Primark for 8 solid hours today.

I don't work there, I have O.C.D and that place is a right f*cking mess...

[Raistlin]

I raped this girl dressed as a medieval princess last night.

I camelot...

[Raistlin]

Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.

It's called the iRon...

[Raistlin]

Apple are currently working to bring pirates up to date on technology,

They have announced that their next project will be the iPatch...

[Raistlin]

Hi, I'm a woman,

So Windows 7 couldn't possibly have been my idea...

[Raistlin]

I trained my budgie to perch on my erect ***** to amuse girlfriends.

It keeps the virgins entertained, but it doesn't impress girls who've already seen a cockatoo...

[Raistlin]

My wife says the hardest thing is trying to balance her career and family life,

Well she obviously hasn't tried knocking one out while balancing a lap top on one knee...

[Raistlin]

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone.

And he liked it, so he put a ring on it...

[Raistlin]

Whipped; (noun),

A man making himself a sandwich...

[Raistlin]

I'm so sick at the lack of effort from my local council to keep our community safe.

Just this evening there was a massive car smash at a crossroads near me and 3 people died, all because both sets of traffic lights went green at the same time.

I tell you, it's high time the council got their priorities right.

[Raistlin]

Apparently, young girls of today will degrade themselves when footballers throw money and champagne at them.

That's nothing, you should see how low they'll stoop when they have a knife at their throat...

[Raistlin]

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."

[Raistlin]

I broke down today when the missus was killed in a hit and run,

I think the impact knocked my coolant hose off...

[Raistlin]

Has anyone seen the new windows 7 advert with the bloke explaining how to access websites without anyone being able to find out ?

If they caught a word of it please get in touch...

[Raistlin]

What do you do with an aggressive Islamic dog ?

Muslim...

[Raistlin]

I've just came out the chip shop with a fish supper, jumbo sausage & large chips & curry sauce.

A poor, cold homeless man was sat outside & said ''I've not eaten in two days''.

I told him ''I wish your I had your willpower''.

[Raistlin]

What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a ginger bloke ?

A tattoo...

[Raistlin]

I really do not mind my wife having two other men in her life,

Mike Rowave and Ken Wood...

[Raistlin]

I tried mixing vinegar, tumeric and flour with some polysaccharides,

But I just couldn't cut the mustard...

[Raistlin]

Just got hard after reading that Katy Perry is to star in a blue movie,

Upon reading more I discovered it's a movie version of the Smurfs,

Imagine my surprise when I got even harder...

[Raistlin]

So Portsmouth are in the semis of the cup,

I think the F.A. would prefer them not to win it though,

If anything, just to avoid finding the trophy on eBay...

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Birmingham City and my tea bag ?

My tea bag is still in the cup...

[Raistlin]

So, the new Microsoft adverts shows a man using the 'In Private' mode to search for jewellery.

All you cynical people out there thinking that it would never be used this way.

In fact, I spent much of the day looking for pearl necklaces....

[Raistlin]

Just been watching Lambing Live on BBC2,

I'm eagerly waiting the next series of Dogging Live...