Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Something tells me I have Schizophrenia.

[Raistlin]

A new nightclub has just opened down the road and they are offering free drinks all night for just under 20 quid,

So tonight I'm gonna party like it's £19.99...

[Raistlin]

Two Ion's walking down the street anf one Ion says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron."

The other Ion says, "Are you positive ?"

[Raistlin]

I had a party last night but it was gate crashed by a bunch of 80's cockney misfits wearing baggy trousers and treating my home like a house of fun.

It was Madness...

[Raistlin]

I did my first deejaying gig for charity at The Parkinson's Society Annual Ball but I wasn't well received,

Maybe I shouldn't have kicked off with Johnny Kidd and the Pirates' No. 1 hit, 'Shakin' All Over'...

[Raistlin]

I really got into this book about the effects of viagra,

I just couldn't put it down...

[Raistlin]

I was supposed to procrastinate today,

But I decided to postpone that till tomorrow...

[Raistlin]

My body is a temple,

It's old, falling apart, essentially useless, and a burden to society...

[Raistlin]

My wife was trying to tell me how to use my iPhone to which I replied "just because it's the same colour of the fridge doesn't mean you know how to work it."

I'm now divorced.

[Raistlin]

The people of Gaza don't appreciate my malapropisms.

They're such Palestines...

[Raistlin]

I asked my new, blonde girlfriend what she thought about fellatio,

She said," Not much, I've never read any Shakespeare."

[Raistlin]

I know the voices in my head aren't real,

But, they come up with some good ideas...

[Raistlin]

Today is International Women's Day,

Your women are permitted to leave the kitchen for the day to do other activities such as gardening and taking the clothes off the washing line...

[Raistlin]

They say you've always been inside your mum's vagina once, when she's given birth to you,

Unless of course, you're from Norwich...

[Raistlin]

A bloke walks into John Lewis Oxford Street and looks like a normal bloke in a big shop, a bit lost.

One of those many assistants come up to him and asks if she can help.

"Hmm, yes, could you tell me where the women's department is please?"

"Certainly sir, it's on the first floor, the escalator is over there."

"Thank you."

On reaching the first floor, the man stops again and looks equally quizzical and another assistant comes over.

"Hello sir, can I help you?"

"Is this the women's department?"

"Yes sir, what is it that you're looking for?"

"A Hoover."

[Raistlin]

Carlsberg don't do Alzheimer's,

But they do make exceedingly good cakes...

[Raistlin]

My new girlfriend is worried about the sexual side of our relationship, particularly because she knows that I am more experienced than her and I have a bit of a reputation for being kinky.

I've done everything I can to reassure her that I will never make her feel pressurised and I've given her a 'safe' word so she can get me to instantly stop if I'm doing anything that is going too quickly or that she feels uncomfortable with.

Unfortunately for her, the safe word is "yes".

[Raistlin]

Carlsberg don't do earthquakes,

If it did, one would hit France next...

[Raistlin]

How do you make a grapefruit cum ?

Lick its Citrus...

[Raistlin]

Two TV antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent...

[Raistlin]

Kathryn Bigelow, director of 'The Hurt Locker', made history last night by becoming the first woman to win an Oscar for directing,

On behalf of all of us here, I'd just like to say: well done, Kathryn,

But those dishes aren't going to wash themselves...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Russian family 'jumped to deaths' from Glasgow flats after being refused asylum.

How bad has your life got to be if you commit suicide because your not allowed to continue living in a tower block in Glasgow.

[Raistlin]

Today in the Sun Newspaper: 'Women to serve on Submarines.' I did not read the rest of the story but imagine it went something like..

Tea, Coffee, Beer, Food

[Raistlin]

My wife thought she was being smart when she asked me: "If you dropped a feather and a bowling ball in a vacuum which do you think would hit the ground first ?"

I thought about it and said: "When you're finished with the hoovering you can do the dusting next...

[Raistlin]

What is a female's equilavent of an Xbox ?

The Oven.