Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My motto is "Never say never."

Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto.

[Raistlin]

My mate told me that his wife was terrified of going to the dentist for a filling.

He got upset when I said, "You'd think she'd be used to getting drilled by strange men by now".

[Raistlin]

I don't need an answering machine.

My wife already has an answer for everything.

[Raistlin]

My wife is upset because I didn't get her what she asked for, for her birthday

She said she wanted something that's electrical, that vibrates and brings waves of pleasure.

I got her the Ultimate Deluxe Rapid Fire X-Box 360 controller.

[Raistlin]

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight,

It's an absoute mystery as to why though ?

The plot thickens...

[Raistlin]

The other day my girlfriend put me in a tough situation, she said "Do I look fat in this?"

Just before i told her how great she looked my mouth started moving for me, and i said: 'To be fair, it's a small room'

Now that her stuff's gone, the room is actually quite large...

[Raistlin]

My girlfreind told me she wanted to spice up our sex life and start trying new things.

She offered to deep throat me.

At first I was kind of nervous but she was basicaly gagging for it...

[Raistlin]

I got really excited when my wife said she was going to Thai Rack to get me something special to wear for our anniversary.

Turned out to be not quite the strap on and cuffs that I had expected.

[Raistlin]

I was driving down the road when I ran over some Humus,

A little further on, some Taramasalata,

Then I saw a road sign,

'Caution - Dips in road'

[Raistlin]

I saw a guy who used to work for me, who had abviously fallen on hard times, begging on the street.

He asked me "Any change mate?"

"Yes, quite a lot in fact," I said ... "I've bought a bigger house and a new BMW"

"You ?"

[Raistlin]

Day 353 in the Big Brother coffin ...

Jade has been asleep for 8,472 hours.

[Raistlin]

I went on a date with Elizabeth Fritzl last night.

It went really well right until the point I asked if she fancied a bit of "how's your father"...

[Raistlin]

A teacher asks the class to find out what their mothers do,

Little Johnny goes home, his mum isn't around so he asks his dad.

The next day the teacher asks little Johnny what his mum does,

He replied, "What she's told to."

[Raistlin]

A new anti-depressant has just come out for lesbians,

Trycoxagain...

[Raistlin]

I have a plan to get rich by relaying all the sewers in London,

At the moment, it's just a pipe dream...

[Raistlin]

I feel disgusted,

Three under-privileged immigrants, left feeling helpless by a system that failed them,

So they throw themselves to their death from their hell-hole accommodation in poverty-stricken Glasgow rather than be returned to their war-torn homeland,

This isn't joke material,

This is M&S joke material...

[Raistlin]

I was in a bar some bloke told me to 'Get a life',

So I took his,

Apparently it doesnt work like that though...

[Raistlin]

How do you know your wife is dead ?

The sex is the same but the dishes start to pile up...

[Raistlin]

Meeting a beautiful woman,

Fantastic first date,

Sex on second date,

long term relationship with lots of sex then finding out girlfriend is your long lost sister.

Carlsberg don't do relationships....

[Raistlin]

Carlesberg don't do Sky Diving courses in Glasgow.

But if they did ...

[Raistlin]

I was at my Nan's grave the other day and saw six men carrying a coffin up and down the cemetery for three hours without a break,

They must have lost the plot...

[Raistlin]

The owner of "Apple" has reportedly commited suicide.

He left a short and simple note lying.

"iQuit".

[Raistlin]

Five English guys in an Audi Quattro arrive at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy , the officer on duty. stops them and says: "It is illegal to put 5

people in a Quattro. Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver retorts disbelievingly.

"Look at the papers - this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.

You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the

law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor

over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry", responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat

Uno."

[Raistlin]

The NHS

Actual writing on hospital charts.

Enjoy!

1. The patient refused autopsy

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night

6. Patients has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year

7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had disappeared

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed

9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993

10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch

13. She is numb from her toes down

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home

15. The skin was moist and dry

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function

24. Skin: somewhat pale, but present

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room

29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed

30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant

31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December

32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree

33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead

34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, an he was feeling better

[Raistlin]

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to

deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.

The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey..'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with

that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece

so overall I made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland