Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Whipped cream served on a virgin's nipple,

Cherries rubbed on a latex suit,

Chocolate smeared on the back of a gagged tied up dominatrix,

This isn't just food, it's S&M Food...

[Raistlin]

I have come to conclusion that it's better to have Parkinson's than Alzheimer's

I'd rather spill half my pint than completely forget where I'd left it...

[Raistlin]

Women think childbirth is the most painful thing in the world,

They've obviously never had their broadband connection go down when they've got the house all to themselves for the night...

[Raistlin]

Broken buildings, flood damage, rubbish everywhere, crying homeless people, injured and diseased calling for help,

For just two Pounds a week you can help someone in Liverpool start a new life...

[Raistlin]

I'm downloading porn the old fashioned way:

Three kilograms at a time from the top shelf of the wardrobe.

[Raistlin]

What's white, sticky and goes 100 mph ?

A train driver's milkshake...

[Raistlin]

My mate almost achieved his life-long ambition of eating every different Cadbury's chocolate bar in one sitting.

He was so close, just a Whisper away.

[Raistlin]

I bought some sweetcorn, and found it was actually made of soya,

I don't really have a taste for Quorn on the Cob...

[Raistlin]

I was going down in a lift in a posh hotel, when the doors opened and the police arrested us both for lewd behaviour.

[Raistlin]

Last year, I went to America on a mountain climbing holiday.

I had an accident, and fell thirty feet.

I broke both my legs and was bleeding heavily.

I managed to make it to a road, where I flagged down a car which drove me to the hospital.

I crawled into the waiting room, and two nurses ran over to me.

"Oh my God, are you alright?" one of them shouted.

I said, "I'm absolutely fine, why do you ask?" before passing out.

After waking up in the same spot six hours later, I realised there's a time and a place for sarcasm.

[Raistlin]

My wife left me for someone else.

I must admit, he's much hotter than me.

Especially now he has met Billy the Blowtorch...

[Raistlin]

It was my wife's birthday today,

I remember a few weeks ago, she said she wanted to go somewhere exotic as a gift,

So I let her in the living room...

[Raistlin]

Mark Owen has said he is "deeply sorry" after admitting a string of affairs behind his wife's back,

On hearing this news his distort wife got a knife and cut off his wedding tackle,

Take That...

[Raistlin]

The UK Fire Service College failed to comply with fire safety laws when part of its own premises burnt down, the BBC has learned,

Eleven fire engines were lost and the garage housing them was destroyed,

Oh the irony...

[Raistlin]

Paddy gets a letter in the post this morning, it lands on the floor,

It says on the envelope DO NOT BEND,

He's stil wondering how he's going to pick it up...

[Raistlin]

My mate is shagging twins, so I said to him, "How do you tell them apart?"

"That's easy," he replied " Brenda's got long blonde hair and Derek's got a moustache."

[Raistlin]

I'm an asylum seeker,

And jumping out Windows was my idea...

[Raistlin]

Did you see the news in the Sun today apparently a boy injected himself with curry powder,

He is in hospital now and he's in a korma...

[Raistlin]

1 in 10 cancer patients die without even knowing they were ill,

Some people have no sense of tumour...

[Raistlin]

Hi, I'm Granny Smith, and Apple was my idea...

[Raistlin]

I live in Norfolk and I've been searching far and wide for a mothers day card but all I can find is "To my Auntie on Mothers Day."

[Raistlin]

I can understand that people go through a lot of emotional stress when a family member passes away, but I don't think they should take it out on me, especially if I'm trying my best to help.

I turned up to the funeral on time, dressed as they asked, and all they did was cry and scream, "You've ruined the funeral!"

Plus, I had to help carry the heavy coffin, and that certainly wasn't easy dressed as a polar bear...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: "Plans for a new high-speed rail network, featuring 250mph trains."

Or, if you're with Virgin, "Plans for a new high-speed rail network, featuring trains that leave the station and can go up to 250mph".

[Raistlin]

Why do women go to university ?

You don't need a degree to make a sandwich and fetch a beer...

[Raistlin]

I ate 17 yogurts last night.

I was mullered...