Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

At first, God created Man... then he had a better idea.

"Let's make a slave for Man"

[Raistlin]

Word of advice when at a job interview "A hip flask and some snacks" is not a good answer to the question

"what will you bring to this job ?"

[Raistlin]

I've just finished my therapy courses for my dendrophobia,

Hopefully I'm cured now,

Touch wood...

[Raistlin]

Luminous condoms,

Now you can see her disappointment in the dark...

[Raistlin]

I went to my grandmothers house the other day, scared because I had left some drugs at her house.

I braced myself and asked her straight...

"Grandma, have you seen a bottle of pills going about the house, with the words LSD on the label?"

She replied "No I haven't, but have you seen those bloody dragons in the kitchen"

[Raistlin]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.'

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right.

This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.'

'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here......'

[balli hi]

I went to my grandmothers house the other day, scared because I had left some drugs at her house.

I braced myself and asked her straight...

"Grandma, have you seen a bottle of pills going about the house, with the words LSD on the label?"

She replied "No I haven't, but have you seen those !Removed! dragons in the kitchen"

Nice one Raist Keep em coming

[Raistlin]

I got home today to find a parcel waiting on my doorstep,

I opened it and was delighted to discover it was a box of Stabilo Boss coloured pens,

It was the highlight of my day...

[Raistlin]

Sky News: Women who take the pill live longer.

My News: Women who take the piss die younger.

[Raistlin]

I went up to my mum when I was little and asked: "Mum, what's a transvestite?"

"I'm over here," came mum's voice from the far corner of the room, "that's your dad."

[Raistlin]

Constipation,

Hard to work out...

[Raistlin]

I tried shagging an empty bottle of vodka but got my tool stuck,

It was an Absolut nightmare...

[Raistlin]

Lambing Live,

Welsh porn at its best...

[Raistlin]

I took a girl home last night,

I said, "Baby ... you look hot",

She said, "You'd look hot too if you were handcuffed to a radiator"...

[Raistlin]

I'm extremely proud of my essay about the wind,

But it's only a draft...

[Raistlin]

I knew someone who said he could do a triple head-spin,

He was all torque...

[Raistlin]

I was attacked by a hula hoop today,

It knocked me to the ground and every time I got up, it did it again,

It was a vicious circle...

[Raistlin]

If personality is so important,

Why is it only fat people that have one ?

[Raistlin]

Tried a new drink last night,

Vodka & Listerine,

Stops me being a foul mouthed when I'm drunk ....

[Raistlin]

I hear Kate and Gerry McCann have taken part in a charity mile long run to raise money to help find missing people,

The last time they ran that far, they were carrying a rolled up carpet...

[Raistlin]

I am absolutely useless at everything I ever do,

That's why I killed myself last night...

[Raistlin]

I am a male aged 23 and I own a Toyota Yaris,

I am sick tired of all the pathetic puns about the recall,

I think the Yaris is a great reliable car and nice to look at... my boyfriend likes it too.

[Raistlin]

Just read the article on the toddler that got his head stuck in a sweet machine.

Everybody laughing and "awwwwing" the little kid.

There smiles were wiped off there faces when they realised Gary Glitter was next in line on the machine...

[Raistlin]

I've got two wives.

I think that's pretty bigamy.

[Raistlin]

My sister told me she was going to an Ann Summers party with her mates,

"Oooh, I'm coming," I said,

"It's just for girls," she replied,

I think she misunderstood me...