Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My wife wants an answer as to why I'm so good at foreplay,

It's on the tip of my tongue...

[Raistlin]

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice...

[Raistlin]

It's mothers day today,

Did that mean Maddie has had to buy two cards ?

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend just got raped so I'm on my way to the nearest police station,

Well I don't have a choice,

I'm in the back of their van...

[Raistlin]

Why would the British Royal Mint produce American coins ?

It doesn't make Cents...

[Raistlin]

Spare a thought for children without real mothers this Mother's Day,

Children like Harvey Price...

[Raistlin]

I have become obsessed with frying all sorts of food in batter like Pinapple or Bananas etc,

But my friends say I'm just frittering my life away...

[Raistlin]

Whats worse than a buffering screen ?

Losing the internet connection during buffering...

[Raistlin]

I made love to a beaver last night,

That's another notch in my bedpost...

[Raistlin]

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks ?

You hit her...

[Raistlin]

I recently wrote an essay on the "Communist Manifesto",

Unfortunately I didn't really understand the topic,

So I got very poor Marx...

[Raistlin]

My wife asked if she could have a day off cooking and cleaning for Mother's day.

I had to laugh in her face,

She's had more than enough time off recently for her chemotherapy.

[Raistlin]

Did you hear about the dwarf psychic who escaped from prison ?

Police say there's a small medium at large...

[Raistlin]

As a child, I was always on the receiving end of harsh beatings from my mother's sister,

She was my Agony Aunt...

[Raistlin]

What do you call a woman with four broken ribs and a fractured skull ?

A poor cook...

[Raistlin]

I work for the Metropolitan Police Force and I'm PC

[Raistlin]

Paris Hilton says that Bee's Frighten her,

I bet the rest of the alphabet does too...

[Raistlin]

I have difficulty approaching girls,

Damn tasers...

[Raistlin]

I was reading this book on the anatomy of a pig,

It was pretty standard until I got to the end,

There to be a twist in the tale...

[Raistlin]

I really spoiled her today,

First I bought her a lovely new scent,

Then I rubbed essential oils into her beautiful body,

Then I did the hoovering and dusting.

I love my Toyota...

[Raistlin]

My wife's favourite drink is wine,

Which coincidentally, is also her favourite hobby...

[balli hi]

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13.. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. Determined!

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring Alcohol

[balli hi]

Spoons.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use

the spoon."

[Raistlin]

I heard on the news that David Beckham is going to miss the World Cup,

Can't he Sky+ it ...

[balli hi]

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT by my bank, they found that I was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When they asked me why I had such a long password

I replied

''Are you bloomin' stupid? I was told that my password had to

be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''