Raistlin's Joke Page

[balli hi]

A brand new store has just opened in London that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building”

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

-The 1st floor sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs

-The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

-The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

-She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

-Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

-Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

-The 1st first floor has wives that love s*x.

-The 2nd floor has wives that love s*x and have money.

-The 3rd - 6th floors have never been visited.

[Raistlin]

The other day I bought a belt made entirely out of £20 notes,

It was a waist of money...

[Raistlin]

Yahoo news: "David Beckham's world cup dream is over"

Which one is that, the one where England wins the world cup?

[Raistlin]

I'm a happy flasher,

I always grin and bare it...

[Raistlin]

I was in a club the other night.

I said to this girl "You must be tired"

"Why ?" she said "Have I been running through your mind all day ?"

"No" I said "I've just put rohypnol in your drink !"

[Raistlin]

os

Thats so out of order...

[Raistlin]

I'm a recovering alcoholic,

In a bid to keep myself off the booze, I've booked up for a swingers' retreat next weekend.

While I'm there, I might just have a couple...

[Raistlin]

I was over the moon to win the "Speech of the Decade" award today at the Pneumatic Tools and Fasteners Convention,

I was told the audience were riveted...

[Raistlin]

I've been cautioned for stealing soft toys from the Disney store,

I was only taking the Mickey...

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a ginger bloke and a quality carpet,

The carpets going to get laid...

[Raistlin]

A member of my staff came into work 25 minutes late, she was out of breath panting "Sorry I'm late, I couldn't park",

To which I replied "You never will be able to, you're a woman"...

[Raistlin]

Caught a Polish guy running out of my kitchen carrying my stove last night,

Bloody cheek, coming over here,

Stealing all our hobs....

[Raistlin]

Why is Alice in Wonderland ?

She should be in the bloody kitchen...

[Raistlin]

My wife caught me on Pornhub so she stripped naked, and asked me to act out a scene with her,

It was my ultimate fantasy,

I was hammering away when this bloke tapped me on my shoulder,

"Excuse me mate," he said. "Do you want to get ripped in four weeks ",

It ruined the moment...

[Raistlin]

Bulimia:

Proving you can have your cake and eat it...

[Raistlin]

Was driving home from the pub the other day when a police car started following me,

They put the lights on so I put my foot down,

After a while I decided to give up,

The policeman walked up to my window and asked what the hell I thought I was doing! I replied '' Sorry officer, My wife ran off with a cop a few years ago and I thought you where bringing her back''.

[balli hi]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[Raistlin]

A woman came up to me today and asked for a big innuendo,

So I gave her one...

[Raistlin]

'Streaker interrupts Crufts judging',

The man has clearly got the concept of dogging all wrong...

[Raistlin]

I joined the National Trust last week,

Now I believe everyone I meet...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: "More students are being forced into the sex industry"

There's a course for everyone now...

[Raistlin]

My last slave died from asking rhetorical questions...

[balli hi]

This bloke rings my doorbell and asks if he can come in and talk about my carpets , i thought " thats all i !Removed! need a fuxxing je-hoover's witness "

[Raistlin]

The Grim Reaper came to my house last night and said it was my time to go,

I wasn't going without a fight so I hit him over the head with my vacuum cleaner,

I couldn't help but think I was Dyson with death...

[Raistlin]

My mate somehow got a vacuum cleaner hose stuck up his butt,

When I phoned the hospital to see how he was doing, they told me he was picking up nicely...