Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m. in a hospital's Intensive Care ward - regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors, and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery, so a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits...

Just as the clock strikes 11, Paddy O'Brien, the part-time Sunday janitor, enters the ward and unplugs the life support machine so that he can use his vacuum cleaner...

[Raistlin]

I asked my neighbour what he did for a living and he told me he was an artist,

I couldn't believe it so I asked him to prove it,

He took major offence at my comments and stabbed me with his pencil,

I now know he is an artist because he drew blood...

[Raistlin]

SOUTH AFRICA

The school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the

local schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher.

She says to the class: "Let's show the inspector just how clever you

are by allowing him to ask you a question." The inspector reasons that

normally class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a

biblical question.

He asks: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare

at him blankly. Eventually Sipho raises his hand. The Inspector

excitedly points to him. Sipho stands up and replies:

"Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can

assure you it wasn't me."

Of course the inspector is shocked by the answer and looks at the

teacher for an explanation.

Realizing that he is perturbed, the teacher

says: Well, I've known Sipho since the beginning of the year, and I

believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it."

The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the

principal's office and tells him what happened, to which the principal

replies :

"I don't know the boy, but I socialize every now and then with his

teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then

he must be innocent."

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on

the principal's desk and in a rage dials the Minister of Education's

telephone number and rattles the entire occurrence to her and asks her

what she thinks of the education standard in SA.

The Minister sighs heavily and replies:

"I don't know the boy, the teacher, nor the principal, but just get

three quotes and have the wall fixed"

[Raistlin]

If space is a vacuum,

Shouldn't all Astronauts be women ?...

[Raistlin]

BBC News:

"Early balding cuts cancer risk"

Not in Jade Goody's case it doesn't...

[Raistlin]

MSN News: 'Pakistan - Kidnap Boy Found Safe'

That's a bit of luck, Anyone know how much was in it ?...

[Raistlin]

Dyslexia is really getting me down,

Last night a woman punched me in the face, and I was only trying to be polite,

Apparently "Meat to please you" isn't the right way to greet a woman...

[Raistlin]

Whenever I see a girl I find attractive,

I'm always too afraid to go over and talk to her,

In case I make a Freudian slut...

[Raistlin]

Just bought 8 legs of Venison for £50.00,

That's too dear isn't it ?...

[Raistlin]

I was going to try and write a joke about lethargy, but I couldn't be bothered,

In the end I just wrote one about erectile dysfunction; it wasn't hard...

[Raistlin]

I just logged on my computer,

I should really stop taking my laptop with me to the toilet...

[Raistlin]

I read my wife's auto-biography earlier today,

I never knew how many interesting things there are to write about a kitchen...

[Raistlin]

After a lot of searching I've finally found that special person,

He was at Tesco's licking the windows again...

[Raistlin]

BBC News - "World's smallest man dies age 22",

Sad, that his life was cut so short...

[Raistlin]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

[Raistlin]

I got sacked from my job as a signwriter today,

Apparently "Psycho the Rapist" is all one word with no spaces ...

[Raistlin]

I've invented an anti-gravity device that allows the tip of a snooker cue to hover at any height above the table,

The rest is history...

[Raistlin]

I switched on the telly last night, and 'See Hear' came on,

The host said "welcome to see hear, the show for the nine million deaf people in the uk",

It's such a shame, the theme tunes a belter...

[Raistlin]

My mum told me to hoover the living room earlier.

I asked her why she couldn't do it herself and she replied 'Well, I can't be in the kitchen and living room at the same time, can I? '

Bitch knows her place...

[Raistlin]

My daughter asked me to make her a ballerina's skirt,

I didn't have a clue where to start but I soon put Tu and Tu together...

[Raistlin]

When the police computer generated a picture of what Maddie would look like now they forgot to put her in a porto shirt...

[Raistlin]

St Patrick's Day is a conspiracy of the IPA,

The Irish Publican Army...

[Raistlin]

TOP TIP: No.4

Pop your mobile phone into a big Shell and if someone rings you when you're driving,

You can answer it and the police will think you're just listening to the sea.....

[Raistlin]

I was walking down the street the other day, when a woman who was taking a survery asked me for a quick word,

"Velocity" I replied...

[Raistlin]

Paddy bursts into the local benefit's office,

"I've been ringing 0800 1730 for two bloody days,

Why don't you bastards ever answer the phone ?"

"Those are our opening hours Sir"...