Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My mate kept going on and on about the pub being so busy that the barman ran out of pint glasses,

Which meant that he had to drink his favourite Irish beer using a half-pint glass,

I finally had to tell him to shut the fuss up, reminding him to be thankful for small Murphy's...

[Raistlin]

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night,

After 3 hours of amazing sex,

Paddy says to Mick "I wonder how the girls are getting on"...

[Raistlin]

BBC News - "World's smallest man dies age 22",

One foot in the grave...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend told me I suffer from a lack of imagination,

I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination",

That showed her...

[Raistlin]

If at first you don't succeed,

Try doing it the way your Husband told you...

[Raistlin]

Whats the first thing you do if you run over a chav ?

Reverse...

[Raistlin]

I decided to organise a gang bang for some men with erectile dysfunction,

Only two came...

[Raistlin]

I saw my mum in a Porno last night,

I do not know what surprised me more either my mum being in a Porno or the fact it mad me ejaculate...

[Raistlin]

A termite walks into a pub and says "Is the bar tender here ?"

[Raistlin]

Doing the funny voice thing with balloons was OK until my mate replaced the Helium with Nitrous Oxide,

He's a sod, but I had to laugh...

[Raistlin]

I bought a packet of crisps with a new flavour using Rohypnol seasoning.

They are made by 'Stalkers'...

[Raistlin]

People say that I'm paranoid,

They don't think I notice them saying it, but I hear their mocking whispers all the time...

[Raistlin]

I've just bought a new flat,

That's the last time I go to Kwick Fit...

[Raistlin]

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in London There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realise who it is............................................................

...................It's Muslim Cleric Abu Hamza

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Prize winning photo,documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men.

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white ?

[Raistlin]

Selling bags of apples for 49p

That's ASDA Price.

Selling Plastic lego-men

That's Fisher Price

Selling pathetic rape claims to the Sun

That's Katie Price.

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between an intelligent blonde and alien from outer space,

Don't know because I've never met either...

[Raistlin]

Me and the wife have been going through a rough patch recently, which culminated in her moving out.

We decided to make one last go of it, meeting with a relationship counsellor to try and rekindle our love and make things work.

So we meet at the office, our names are called and in we go.

"Right then," the counsellor said to me, "the best thing we can do is focus on the positives, so first question: why do you want your wife back ?"

Apparently "Well, those dishes aren't going to do themselves" doesn't constitute a proper reason..

[Raistlin]

I'm sailing through my love life,

I'm in a relation ship...

[Raistlin]

Being vague is almost as fun as doing that other thing...

[Raistlin]

I was doing a crossword puzzle:

"The interval of time between birth and death...6 letters".

I was about to write my answer in, but thought life is too short...

[Raistlin]

I was coming back from Specsavers with my new contacts when I heard a woman screaming,

She was in an alleyway being raped by two men,

"Help!" she shouted. "Can't you see I'm being attacked?"

"Yes thanks!" I shouted back and walked on, marvelling at modern day ocular correction...

[Raistlin]

Just saw the headline: "Kidnapped boy and father reunited"

Surely that's too specific for a social networking site?...

[Raistlin]

BREAKING NEWS:

Chelsea player found in bed with his OWN wife...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend told me I was getting on her nerves by changing everything she said into a sexual innuendo.

"Ha ha, sexual in-YOUR-endo"

That shut her up...

[Raistlin]

I couldn't find my favourite chocolate bar,

So I hired a Bounty hunter...