Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

[Calisto]

Love the last one!!!!

[Raistlin]

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change.

The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.

"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." at that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, oh My, let me get a picture".

He beams and asks, "why?"

She answers, "So I can get it ENLARGED" !

[Raistlin]

One of the life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

[Raistlin]

A guy walks into his doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I can't remember anything !"

The doc asks, "How long have you had this problem ?"

The guy says, "What problem ?"

[Raistlin]

If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no one there to hear it, does it make a sound ?

Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.

[Raistlin]

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell.

She immediately called Saint Peter and said, "This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!"

She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. "Please set this error straight before tomorrow," she begged.

"There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone *must* attend!"

"Of course, Sister," he said. "I'll get you out of there right away."

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell.

He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.

He heard the following, "Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!"

[Raistlin]

This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a Battery.

She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window.

She goes in and hands the man her clock.

The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel.

I do circumcisions."

She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"

And he says, "And what should I have in my window?"

[Raistlin]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[Raistlin]

Definition: Politics

Poli (Poly): Many....

Tic(k)s: Blood sucking creatures

[Raistlin]

Australia.

Where men are real men and sheep are scared witless

And where the term 'Going Down Under' means something entirely different

[Raistlin]

She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?

He: Your sense of humor.

[Raistlin]

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant.

The assistant explains that they don't stock them.

The man insists that he bought his last one from this store.

The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item.

The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years.

The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.

The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.

The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

[Raistlin]

Did you hear that all the toilets at the police station were stolen ?

The cops got nothing to go on.

[Calisto]

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant.

The assistant explains that they don't stock them.

The man insists that he bought his last one from this store.

The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item.

The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years.

The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.

The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.

The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use."

I liked that one the best !!!! :P

[Red Yaris 54]

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know

your name!

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos. But my friends call me Paddy."

[Red Yaris 54]

The police rescued a small lad from his parents who beat him constantly. He was placed with an aunt, who sadly beat him too. Then he went to a foster home, where again he was beaten.

He has now been placed with the England football team who, as we know, cannot beat anyone.

[Red Yaris 54]

ONE MORE .................IN BEST RAISTLIN TRADITION ;)

Three blondes were walking down the road when they found a lamp. They rubbed it and a Genie popped and told them they could have one wish each.

The first blonde said, "I wish I was smarter!" So the Genie turned her into a redhead.

The second blonde said, "I wish I was smarter than her!" So the Genie turned her into a brunette.

The third blonde said, "I wish I was smarter than both of them put together!" So the Genie turned her into a man!

[Red Yaris 54]

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.

So I pushed her over. ;)

[Red Yaris 54]

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through France.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.'

And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Frenchman again.'

[Raistlin]

Never comment the quality of my jokes again...... :P

[Raistlin]

What should you say if he asks you "Am I your first"?

"You might be - you look familiar"

[Raistlin]

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence ?

To see what was on the other side.

[Raistlin]

What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

A man will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

[Raistlin]

What's the best way to make yourself last with your girlfriend ?

Let everyone else go first