Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I bumped into Cheryl Cole in a pub, and I thought I'd take a chance and ask her if she fancied a shag,

Her reply was very strange, a suggestion that I should visit the county of Norfolk,

Well what she actually said was "Norfolk enchants"...

[Raistlin]

I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak...

[Raistlin]

jack took Jill up the hill,

So jack could lick Jills fanny,

jack bent down,

Then shot up with a frown,

Cuz he realised Jill was a tranny...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend is a RAF pilot, and she has learned that, in certain situations, quick thinking, speed and reflexes can save your life,

Like when I tell her to make me a sandwich...

[Raistlin]

Feeling emotional, anxious or depressed,

Loss of balance, coordination and dizziness,

Muscle weakness, stiffness and spasms,

Bladder and bowel problems,

These aren't ordinary symptoms

These are MS symptoms...

[Raistlin]

Doing anything for Sport Relief ?

Yes,

I'm going to have a wank over Maria Sharapova...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend is in tears,

Her rabbit just died,

Ironically, my mouse did at the same time,

Which is why I needed the batteries from her rabbit...

[Raistlin]

I was watching my son's under 7 football team on Sunday when I noticed another Dad watching on the sidelines.

I went over and said "It's great that you can watch them do something they enjoy isn't it?"

"Yeah" he responded, "The one with the number 10 on the back whose scoring all the goals today, he's mine.

I'm gonna treat him with some sweets when I take him home with me after the match."

And I thought that was quite nice of him.

Only up until I realised that the boy with the number 10 shirt was actually my son...

[Raistlin]

Katie Price is very tight when it comes to money,

It's about the only thing that is tight...

[Bizarra]

Pyramid Of Jokes

There was 3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. and they found a pyramid. they read a tablet that said...

"This is the pyramid of 100 steps. If you get to the top of it, you will get what you’ve wanted all your life. But be warned, every 5 steps a person will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again."

So the brunette gets to the 5th step and laughs, so she could never try again.

The red head got to the 20th step and laughed, so she could never try again.

Then the blonde got to the 99th step and laughed. The guy who was going to tell the joke said "Why did you laugh, I didn’t tell the joke yet?"

The blonde said "I know, I laughed because I just got the first joke!

[Raistlin]

I just applied for a job as a babysitter,

When they asked me if I had ever watched kids before,

Evidently, "from my car" wasn't the answer they were looking for...

[Raistlin]

There really is nothing that compares to the sinking feeling you get when, after watching porn for half an hour,

You realise you forgot to turn off the Speakers when you plugged your headphones in...

[Raistlin]

Sport Relief: "Riaz earns between 20 and 30 pence per day,

He is nine years old."

He should think himself lucky then, I wasn't allowed to work until I was sixteen...

[Raistlin]

A Man goes into a bar and finds it empty except for the barman. He orders a pint anyway and the barman goes into the back room leaving the man alone with his pint.

Suddenly he hears a voice saying "Nice Shoes!" Puzzled he looks around but nobody is there so he thinks nothing of it.

5 minutes later he hears the voice again saying "Nice Jacket!" Again he looks around and sees nobody so although getting irritated, ignores it this time.

Suddenly he hears the same voice saying "Nice Hair!" This time he gets angry and calls the barman out and demands to know whats going on.

The barman looks unsurprised when hearing of his story and says "Oh Don't worry about that. Thats just the peanuts."

"The Peanuts!?" The man asks in disarray

"yeah....There Complimentary!"

[Raistlin]

Have you noticed that these natural disasters always seem to hit poor, third world kinds of places ?

Could Liverpool be next...

[Raistlin]

I'd like to say congratulations to a few special people in my amnesia rehabilitation group,

They know who they are...

[Raistlin]

GPS:

The only time a woman giving me instructions seems acceptable...

[Raistlin]

Following the recent scandals in the Catholic Church, the reporter asked what 'Priests' stood for in Ireland these days ?

P - Paedophile

R - Resident

I - In

E - Every

S - Small

T - Town

Didnt go down too well...

[Raistlin]

There's a blonde, a brunette, and a red-head in an elevator.

A man walks into and goes down a few floors, with incredibly bad dandruff, he gets to his floor and exists the elevator.

The red-head says " Wow! Did you see the dandruff in his hair?"

The Brunette says "Yeah, He needs head and shoulders."

To which the Blonde asked "How do you give shoulders?"

[Raistlin]

Msn news: Five-year-old took 4x4 on joyride before crashing into a wall.

To be fair, it's understandable why a five year old would crash,

It was a five year old girl...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Pope Benedict XVI apologises to victims of child sex abuse by priests in Ireland and says bishops made "serious mistakes".

Apparently, lack of lube wasn't one of them...

[Raistlin]

My wife is like a kebab.

I only fancy her when I'm drunk and when I wake up in the morning, I'm much more aware of her fat content...

[Raistlin]

I just watched the reconstruction of a little girl from Cornwall getting raped on the Crimestoppers advert and I'm devastated,

They cast some ugly bugger with a squint to play me...

[Raistlin]

I was walking along the canal last night and I saw a Bank Manager drowning.

I decided to save him,

As the screensaver on my phone...

[Raistlin]

Just seen that 'Telephone' video by Lady Gaga,

It's convinced me she's not a man,

There's a scene in it where she makes a sandwich,

No man's ever done that,

It's the woman's job...