Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

BBC News: "Mother not told of rapist's past".

Probably because "Hi, I'm a rapist" is never going to be a good opening line when you're chatting up a woman with a 5 year old daughter...

[Raistlin]

I have Dementia,

But I also have a life,

And I also have Dementia...

[Raistlin]

I was looking in the factual section of my local book shop, and saw loads of copies on "Women are people too."

Now I'm not usually pedantic,

But I had to move them all to the Fiction section...

[Raistlin]

I'm not being condescending,

I'm too busy thinking about far more important things that you just wouldn't understand...

[Raistlin]

I bought myself some Bermuda shorts but they've disappeared...

[Raistlin]

Two Dyslexics working in a kitchen,

The first says "Can you smell Gas ?"

The second replies "I can't even smell my own name"...

[Raistlin]

Now the Government has stopped the distribution of Red Diesel,

Jordan has said she can no longer afford to run her dildo...

[Raistlin]

Dear Steve,

For the last 10 years you have made me the happiest woman alive, but I have decided to end it all because I think you deserve so much better than me and my ageing, sagging body.

I don't want to leave you in the lurch so I have bought you a fleshlight and you will be pleased to know that my friend Samantha has a secret crush on you.

I know you have always admired her pert breasts and her tight ass and I can guarantee that she will fuck you given half a chance, and she does anal, which I know you have always wanted to try.

I don't want you to be left with the burden of the children, I know it was me that pushed you into having them so I have decided that I will take them with me to heaven.

I will be killing myself out in the woods so that I don't make a mess and I have organised a sexy young Slovakian girl to come round and do the cleaning twice a week.

Your dinner is in the fridge and I have filled the deep freeze with a month's supply of your favourite meals.

Goodbye my sweet, I love you.

Katie.

Carlsberg don't do suicide notes...

[Raistlin]

New research has revealed that beer contains female hormones,

It's gotta be true:

When I've had a skin-full, I can't drive and talk shit too...

[Raistlin]

On a drunken night out I stumbled across a seriously injured bank manager in an alleyway.

Realising that he needed immediate attention if he was going to survive, I reached for my phone,

And turned it off...

[Raistlin]

I lost a couple of hands at poker last night,

That's what you get for cheating...

[Raistlin]

A man takes a woman back to his apartment after their first date.

He gets his key out and goes to open the door.

The woman says: "I can tell how good a lover a man is just by the way he opens a door.

If he slams the key in and forces the door open that means he's very rough and I don't like that.

However if he struggles to get the key in the lock that means he doesn't have any experience and I don't like that either.

So how do you open your door?"

The man smiles and says: "Well, before I stick the key in I lick the lock."

[Raistlin]

If you believe in Telekinesis,

Please raise my right hand...

[Raistlin]

Another Sunday and another failed attempt at cutting the grass,

A classic case of "I fought the lawn and the, lawn won"...

[Raistlin]

When my wife died, I closed myself away from the world,

I didn't want anyone to see what I was doing to her...

[Raistlin]

My math's teacher was teaching us about Sine and Cosine,

Which was fine but them I lost the plot when he started going off on a Tangent...

[Raistlin]

I walked into HMV and the assistant said "Good morning",

I said to him, "You too",

He said, "Second aisle, first shelf on the left"...

[Raistlin]

I was walking down the street, and saw a group of feminists protesting outside a local Strip-Club,

When I saw this, it got me thinking,

How the hell did they get out of the kitchen ?...

[Raistlin]

A Polish bloke goes to Specsavers for an eye test, the optician points to the chart,

Which shows 'Z Y C W I E K M A J', and says "Can you read that line ?",

The Polish guy replies "Read it, I know him"...

[Raistlin]

I have just got a new job at the Milton Keynes Bicycle Corporation,

My role is two-fold - I have to repair the metal rods in the wheels of the bikes and I also have to do press conferences about the company.

I'm the spokes-person...

[Raistlin]

Florence and The Machine ?

It had better be a washing machine...

[Raistlin]

I got arrested the other day for vandalising the axioms of mathematics,

I got let off though, nothing could be proved...

[Raistlin]

I really wanted to break up with my girlfriend because of her ridiculous stutter,

But I hate long goodbyes...

[Raistlin]

I got out of the shower and my wife said, "Ooo look, it's like a penis ... only smaller",

I said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary ... only fatter and less flexible"...

[Raistlin]

Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for alcoholics later this year,

It's called the iRish...