Raistlin's Joke Page

[Bizarra]

Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for alcoholics later this year,

It's called the iRish...

Good job I've a thick..................................................Skin :lol2:

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Ian Huntley's throat cut by fellow prisoner,

And that's why the British justice system is the envy of the world...

[Raistlin]

I just bought R Kelly's new album.

There was a sticker on the cellophane.

It read, 'Please keep this rapper away from babies and small children.'

[Raistlin]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you have widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit." .

[Raistlin]

My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave",

I said, "You pack them"...

[Raistlin]

When does a Cub become a Boy Scout ?

When he eats his first brownie...

[Raistlin]

I received a letter of apology today from the Catholic Church about the sexual abuse,

It said that the priest is a busy man, and he'll get round to me eventually...

[Raistlin]

I've just ordered a chinese,

Hopefully she'll be able to get a visa...

[Raistlin]

My doctor called me and said 'I've got your wife's test reults mixed up,

I dont know whether she has Alzheimer's or Aids'',

''What should I do?'' I asked,

'Well I'll put her on the wrong bus, if she finds her way home dont shag her''...

[Raistlin]

I always had an inkling that my local doctor used to work in an Bangladeshi call center, but I wasn't 100% sure until my uncles life support machine started making funny noises.

"Have you tried switching it off and on again ?"

The funerals on Thursday...

[Raistlin]

When questioned by the police I finally admited to being the man who runs through our town naked and painted gold.

I just couldn't conceal my gilt...

[Raistlin]

It's National Sarcasm Society Day:

Yeah, Like we need your support...

[Raistlin]

I just started stalking another girl today,

Just once though, I wish we could go somewhere I wanted to...

[Raistlin]

The first rule of the Hindsight Club is,

You should've known better...

[Raistlin]

Did you know that in 1891 Goal nets were invented in Liverpool by J A Brodie for use in the FA Cup Final,

It stopped the crowd from stealing ball...

[Raistlin]

I got arrested today at my kids Birthday party.

Apparently, its completely inappropriate to lead a conga line full of kids into the gents toilets,

Who would have thought that ?

[Raistlin]

I've never been happier than the day I brought my daughter home from hospital, held her in my arms and bounced her on my lap,

She had just turned 15 and had had her tonsils out...

[Raistlin]

How do you stop moles digging in your garden ?

Hide their shovels...

[Raistlin]

Due to unforeseen circumstances, this evenings clairvoyants meeting has been cancelled,

I bet you knew I was going to type this...

[Raistlin]

Damien Fowkes to his prison guard:

"I'm just going for a slash"...

[Raistlin]

I really can't believe the price some women pay for sunglasses,

I'm starting to think it'd be cheaper to get the kitchen window tinted...

[Raistlin]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman ?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this" ...

[Raistlin]

I was really drunk in the pub and was being eyed up all night by a tall blonde.

My admirer was wearing a sexy white dress and although not much to offer up top, had a cracking arse.

Just before closing time, they approached me and whispered in my ear." I'm knickerless. I'm going to have you in the toilets."

I said," Great." And with that I was dragged off to the gents.

I soon sobered up when I pulled up the white dress and realised he'd said he was Nicholas...

[Raistlin]

My wife's found out I've been visiting a dominatrix.

I'm expecting some kind of backlash...

[Raistlin]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers,

which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into

the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse ?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I

dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to

the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."