Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

I bought my wife some beautiful flowers,

Well, I say flowers. I mean washing powder...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: A policeman struck a G20 protester twice with a baton after mistaking a carton of orange juice in her hand for a weapon,

Once for the weapon, and once for leaving the kitchen...

[Raistlin]

Just decided to splash out on a Hannah Montana calender,

My wife has asked me to move out by Friday and has refused me access to my daughter...

[Raistlin]

I'm fed up of people challenging my green ethics and saying I don't do enough to better the world,

Even my coat is recycled,

It used to be a leopard...

[Raistlin]

My friend gave me an unusual deck of cards yesterday - some were oblong shaped, others were round,

I didn't know how to deal with it...

[Raistlin]

It was my girlfriends birthday the other day,

So I bought her a bag and belt,

She wasn't too happy but the hoover works fine now...

[Raistlin]

My girlfriend keeps telling me she'd like to be treated once in a while,

So I covered her in Creosote...

[Raistlin]

My wife clearly has mental problem's, she thinks that she's a flower,

To be honest I could do without the stigma...

[Raistlin]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table, he ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair.

He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

[Raistlin]

Need a screwdriver with a long shaft to do the job?

Let's torque...

[Raistlin]

I once used sodium hydroxide to convert cocaine hydrochloride into methylbenzoylecgonine,

Just for the crack...

[Raistlin]

I love that we all are different and that we appreciate the different things in a women,

Some guys get turned on by breasts,

Some guys get turned on by bums,

But nothing turns me on like the crying and screaming...

[Raistlin]

I was seeing a girl for about a week when she opened up to me and said "My ex used to get drunk,beat me up and rape me"

Looking back, saying "Good, you'll know what to expect then" was not the best thing to say...

[Raistlin]

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

[Raistlin]

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer ?

None,

It should be opened by the time she brings it...

[Raistlin]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

[Bizarra]

Man walks into a Bar in Belfast with an alligator on a lead.

He asks the barman " Do you serve Protestants here?"

Bar man says "Yes, we're non sectarian"

Right sez the man "I'll have a Pint of Guinness & 2 Protestants for my Alligator, please"

[ I know, old and corny, like myself]

[Raistlin]

Man walks into a bar,

Says ouch,

It was an iron bar..

(Even cornier)

[Raistlin]

It seems like every time I turn around I just get dizzier...

[Raistlin]

A study shows one in 10 Scots are taking anti-depressants,

Which means the other 90 percent are sticking to good old heroin...

[Raistlin]

I was driving past Anfield and saw two tickets nailed to a fence,

I thought to myself "I'll have them",

You can never have enough nails...

[Raistlin]

I'm normally woken up at 7am by the cries of my 4 month old son wanting his morning feed.

This morning I woke at 9am to find him dead due to cot death.

I'm devastated.

I appreciate the lie in but I had a game of golf booked for 8am.

[Raistlin]

In school, there's always one kid that no-one likes.

It's the flea-ridden, badly dressed, slightly simple looking one walking on their own.

That's the one to go for ... no ones going to miss that one...

[Raistlin]

To combat zero gravity NASA spent millions of dollars on research and development and invented a pen to work in space.

The Russians took a pencil...

[Raistlin]

Whenever I split up from a woman I think, "I'll always have my memories",

And by memories I mean naked photographs of them...