Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Today my wife decided to inspect the trunk of my car.

From the inside, bound and gagged...

[Raistlin]

When my wife does eventually die, I'm going to have her ashes made into an egg timer so she can still "help out" in the kitchen...

[Raistlin]

A feminist came up to me and said, "You men are all like pandas. Eats, shoots, and leaves!"

Taken aback, I said, "Well I think women are like pandas!"

I froze, desperately trying to think of a witty comment but I couldn't,

So I just gave her two black eyes...

[Raistlin]

My boss asked me where I saw myself in 5 years time,

Apparently dancing on your grave is not a good answer...

[Raistlin]

My scouse girlfriend doesn't exactly help with the stereo-typing of people from Liverpool,

I bought her some sexy underwear and stockings, she put the stocking over her head...

[Raistlin]

My wife and I had a huge row last night,

She called me gullible and said I was "financially irresponsible",

I can't wait to see her face when I tell her I've just won the Nigerian lottery...

[Raistlin]

What's the best thing about having alzheimers disease?

You get to meet new people every day...

[Raistlin]

Forty gypsies arrived at Heaven's gates,

St. Peter tells them "We've only got room for twelve so decide amongst yourselves who's coming in."

Five minutes pass and St. Peter says to God "They've gone"

"What all forty of them ?" replies God.

"No, the bloody gates!"

[Raistlin]

This morning I saw a gypsy driving a train,

They will steal anything...

[Raistlin]

Katie Price gets a taxi home, she lifts her skirt up and says to driver "Can I pay you with this ?"

The cabbie looks at her pussy and says "Blimey love, haven't you got anything smaller ?" ...

[Raistlin]

I like to tell women that I'm responsible for a large team of web designers,

I find it gets a better reception than saying I live in a bedsit that's infested by spiders...

[Raistlin]

My young son had a mate over after school, and at the table I noticed he wasn't eating his veg,

"You know who eats his carrots? Wayne Rooney, that's what makes him so good at football." I told him.

He looked a bit doubtful, so I followed up with, "If you eat up all that veg, you'll be playing like Rooney in no time."

He cleaned the plate, but his Mum called me a few days later, furious about me getting his hopes up.

Apparently now he reckons if he eats enough carrots he'll get out of the wheelchair..

[Raistlin]

How many optimists does it take to change a light bulb ?

It's not that dark...

[Raistlin]

My ex-girlfriend was very optimistic,

Until I drowned her in a pool that was half full...

[Raistlin]

I was chatting up a girl at the local bar and she mentioned that she was a virgin, then she said "I know what your thinking",

In hindsight, responding "Doubtful, your still smiling" was a bad choice...

[Raistlin]

Katie Price: "Alex Will be in my Life Forever"

The only bloke that will be in your life forever is the ITV2 Camera man,

And he's bored...

[Raistlin]

I've been registered as blind,

I can see perfectly but my wife came with me to the appointment and the doctor just put two and two together...

[Raistlin]

My wife said she was thinking of taking up art lessons.

I said,"You'd be good at that."

She seemed surprised by my support and said," Really?"

I said," Yeah, you're good at drawing the wrong conclusion."

[Raistlin]

I've really been pushing the envelope at work lately.

I'm a Postman...

[Raistlin]

I like my women how i like my lightbulbs,

Easily turned on, not too bright, and hung from my ceiling with electrical cable...

[Raistlin]

After discovering that they had won fifteen million pounds in the lottery, an old married couple sat down to discuss their future.

The wife announced: "After twenty years of washing other people's houses I can throw my old scrubbing brush away at last."

Her husband agreed: "Of course you can darling. We can easily afford to buy you a new one now."

[Raistlin]

Clocks go forward tonight.

The wife is changing the one in the kitchen....

[Raistlin]

Today rapper Jay-Z has claimed that he wants to buy part of Arsenal FC.

P-Diddy has previously expressed an interest in helping out financially troubled Crystal Palace.

According to BBC News the Vietnamese Under-11 squad has just accepted an undisclosed offer from Gary Glitter.

[Raistlin]

I accidentally smashed my cat's skull today.

It appears my bathroom isn't as big as I thought it was...

[Raistlin]

MSN news: Ashley Cole hopes "memory book" will win back Cheryl.

I doubt that reminding her of the fact she was a Geordie slapper in a dole bludging family from a poor council estate will win him any romance points...