Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

My wife said we've got to go to the Next sale this weekend,

I don't even remember going to the first one...

[Raistlin]

I have been sitting here and thinking about my school days:

Nipping a quick fag behind the bike shelters.

Chucking stones at the nerds.

Making out with all the girls.

Ahh, being a janitor was amazing...

[Raistlin]

Give an African a fish and he will eat for a day.

Give him a knife he will steal your wallet.

[Raistlin]

The wife came home the other day from the store and I checked the receipt.

I asked her why she had to spend over £130 on makeup.

She replied "Its so I can look pretty, why do you have to waste so much money on your beer".

I told her it was to make her look pretty.

Needless to say, I slept on the sofa that night...

[Raistlin]

I got a tin of Ronseal the other day and they're right,

It does exactly what it says on the tin,

It caused nausea and vomiting when ingested...

[Raistlin]

Sometimes I get turned on by just buying wine,

I've got a Semillon...

[balli hi]

The 7 dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the dark distance a voice screams out "Aston Villa are good enough to win the Premiership."

Snow White says "Thank God - at least Dopey's still alive!"

[Raistlin]

Limousine - a collective noun for a group of slags.

[Raistlin]

Give an African a fish and he will eat for a day,

Teach an African to phish and he will steal your identity...

[Raistlin]

I was with my pregnant wife last night, holding her hand and encouraging her to push harder,

These drugs aren't going to sell themselves...

[Raistlin]

The other day I was drinking Dr Pepper

'What's the worst that could happen?'

Quite a lot, it appears I'm diabetic...

[Raistlin]

I once hit a woman with my car,

It was my fault,

I shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen...

[Raistlin]

A Tortoise slowly walks into a police station and shouts ''I've just been raped by five snails''

The officer asks '' Would you be able to identify any of them ?''

Tortoise goes ''I'm sorry but it all happened so fast'...

[Raistlin]

What is both hilarious and scary at the same time ?

A woman reversing a car...

[Raistlin]

I managed to get 6 numbers on the lottery last week.

My wife asked me how much I was going to give her,

I said "£10".

She complained "You always told me that if you won the lottery you'd give me half".

I said "Yeah I am, half of 6 numbers is 3 numbers, that's a tenner"

[Raistlin]

BBC breaking news.

Alan Titchmarsh admits to using Mephedrone...

[Raistlin]

You know, not all men are in a relationship for sex.

Some just want a good sandwich...

[Raistlin]

Did you see the two female terrorists in Russia?

They were blonde bombshells...

[Raistlin]

It was a terrible winter, three months of unbroken blizzards.

Harvey Goldstein hadn't been seen in the village for weeks,

so a Red Cross rescue team struggled to his remote house at the top of a hill.

It was completely buried, only the chimney was showing.

"Harvey," they shouted down the chimney. "Are you there ?"

"Who's that ?" Came the answer.

"It's the Red Cross," they called.

"Go away," shouted Harvey. "I donated money last year"

[Raistlin]

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.

Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman.

So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex.

So you're here to service them, since they're virgins, they're quite sexually hungry; and frankly, you'll be on a constant and very exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that, how hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

Allah replied quizingly, "Who told you they were women ?"...

[Raistlin]

After making love to my wife, she said ' Are you not going to finish me off ?'.

I now have no wife...

[Raistlin]

My wife asked me to tie her up tonight,

So I gave her a list of chores and went down the pub...

[Raistlin]

A man walks into library and asks if they have any books on coincidences,

The librarian nods and says, "As a matter of fact, this one's just arrived."...

[Raistlin]

A female dwarf goes to the doctors surgery complaining of sore lady parts,

The Doctor gets some scissors and snips around a bit,

Dwarf says "thats good, it feels better, what have you done ?"

The Doctor says "I've trimmed your wellies"...

[Raistlin]

Jeremy Beadle walks into the urinal to take a pee,

He holds his penis and thinks to himself,

I have a small cock,

But on the other hand...