Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

So methedrone has been banned, what a shame, it was a real earner,

On the plus side I've been inundated with enquiries about my cocaine,

So I've doubled the price, As you do...

[Raistlin]

BBC New: Ricky Martin confirms that he is gay.

Supprise...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: "PM Putin demands bombers caught"

They were suicide bombers, Mr. Putin, they are now the mushy bits that decorate the walls...

[Raistlin]

The Catholic Church has launched a hotline for victims of sex abuse.

Nice try, Church, but one already exists.

It's called "The Police"...

[Raistlin]

What do Lady Gaga and Wolverine have in common ?

They're both X-Men...

[Raistlin]

Nothing says "Almost caught masturbating" like having your mum walking in on you looking at the Google homepage...

[Raistlin]

I've got a new invention,

It's like a toaster however the inserts are ever so slightly deeper so the bread actually fits...

[Raistlin]

I went to the library and asked for a book on Rohypnol,

That's the last thing I remember...

[Raistlin]

I went into a library dressed as a German classical composer and asked for a book on Austrian actors,

The librarian said, "Aisle B, Bach"...

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a library and says "Do you have any books on the victims of Hyndley & Brady?"

The librarian replies "We do but I just can't remember exactly where we put them"

[Raistlin]

So Ricky Martin has announced to the world that he is gay.

In other news; scientists have revealed that the Earth is actually quite round...

[Raistlin]

Peaches Geldoff axed by lingerie firm.

Doctors say she will pull through once they've removed the axe...

[Raistlin]

Apple are bringing out a new invention for chaemotherapy patients this year.

Its called the iBrow...

[Raistlin]

My sister came into my room crying.

Dad had told her that she was adopted.

I put an arm around her, and told her that it doesn't matter, that we'll always love her.

Then, I dunno how it happened, but we kissed, and clothes came off, and we had sex.

After, I found the condom had split.

We went downstairs, hand in hand,... to break the news to dad.

I have never been less amused by the words "April Fools"...

[Raistlin]

Books like Twilight are what you get when you let a women out of the kitchen...

[Raistlin]

Magazine collectors,

They have a lot of issues...

[Raistlin]

My PC wasn't working today,

Apparently he got arrested for beating up a woman last year at the G8 protest...

[Raistlin]

Yahoo News: 'New fruit enters supermarket'.

Ricky Martin's getting his groceries...

[Raistlin]

MSN News - 'Number of prisoners at record high',

At least they're having a good time, out of their faces, playing Playstation all day...

[Raistlin]

Man walks into library and asks if they have any books on bukkake,

The librarian replies, "A lot of people come for that"...

[Raistlin]

I've just wet my the bed.

April Pool...

[Raistlin]

I recently went to Thailand, on the beach I was asked to buy a wrist band for tsunami research,

I thought, 'Wouldn't it be better if they sold floaties ?'...

[Raistlin]

What's the difference between Katie Price and a bowling ball ?

You can't get Katie Price into a bowling ball...

[Raistlin]

Contemplating suicide ?

Remember someone has to read your note,

Keep it light and try to wrap it up with a joke or funny story...

[Raistlin]

If number 2 pencils are the most popular, then why are they they not the number 1 ?