Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

Ejaculation:

She says premature,

I say 'spontaneous'...

[Raistlin]

I met satan today,

What a woman...

[Raistlin]

If were not supposed to have midnight snacks,

Why is there a light in the fridge ?...

[Raistlin]

My wife just came to bed in nothing but stockings and suspenders,

Got me aroused and, "I want you to use me all day long",

I fall for it every April...

[Raistlin]

Apple are releasing a new gadget for scousers,

the iRob...

[Raistlin]

Being in a mixed-faith household,

Our Easter eggs are hidden by the Easter Rabbi...

[Raistlin]

Two gays are in an alley having man sex when a policeman arrives.

One runs off but the cop grabs the other.

"You dirty bastards, if I'd caught your mate this truncheon would've been going right up his arse."

A voice calls out "Yoo hoo, I'm in the wheelie bin."

[Raistlin]

So Jesus was crucified on Good Friday and rose from the dead on the Sunday ?

Just in time for half price Easter eggs. Typical Jew...

[Raistlin]

Geri Halliwell has said in an interview that, "Victoria Beckham is like Marmite",

I can see what she means;

I'd happily stick a knife in her...

[Raistlin]

I was sucking off this bird last night when I thought, "Wait a minute..."

[Raistlin]

Three grams of cocaine, a bottle of jack Daniels and the woman I drugged last night tied up and gagged in the basement.

I'm starting to see why it's called Good Friday...

[Raistlin]

"I visited an old friend today to meet his new trophy wife,

Apparently - he did not win first place"...

[Raistlin]

Driving through town last night I saw this poor sod with one arm and one leg, accompanied by a guide dog,

I was thinking that his life couldn't get much worse,

How wrong can you get ?

Two days later I saw him out having a drink with my ex wife...

[Raistlin]

Ever the comedian my wife suggested I should 'get an iLife' as I eyed up the latest Apple gadget.

Needless to say that she ain't laughing now as she shops for her two iPads...

[Raistlin]

The other day I walked into a shop, wacked out my tackle and flopped it onto the desk.

The surprised cashier exclaimed: "No sir, this is a 'clock' shop"

To which I replied: "Well put two hands and a face on it then"

[Raistlin]

A man and his wife are awakened at three o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

[Raistlin]

Just finished writing a book called 'Admitting your Homosexuality'

It hasn't come out yet...

[Bizarra]

>

> Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip -

> shopping, casinos, massages, facials. Two days before the group is to

> leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.

>

> Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

>

> Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in

> the bar drinking a glass of wine.

>

> "Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into

> letting you go?"

>

> "Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening I was

> sitting

> on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over

> my

> eyes and said 'Guess who'?"

>

> I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday

> suit.

> He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with

> perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed,

> he

> had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so

> I

> did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."

>

> So, here I am.

[Raistlin]

Just been reading one of those self learn by alphabet books for medical students.

It's really good;

A is for Arthritus

B is for Bronchitus

C is for Dyslexia

[Raistlin]

My wife has finally agreed to fufil my ultimate fantasy,

Once the dishes are done...

[Raistlin]

The Polish pornstar, Sleazie Poledanceski is recording a threesome with two guys in a mini.

The first actor was Dominik Doorsov and the second a stud whose stage name is Lengthy Polester.

"Action" and with that Poledanceski then starts sucking Polester's tool when the director stops the shoot and starts screaming in her face...

"You were only supposed to blow the bloody Doorsov!"

[Raistlin]

BBC News: "Limb losses rise among British troops".

I think we've known for a while that they aren't armed enough...

[Raistlin]

I just got diagnosed with Down's Syndrome.

I don't know whether to laugh or laugh.

[Raistlin]

My mates have always mocked me about the size of my penis.

Although, I've never heard the wife moan...

[Raistlin]

I just lost my Job as an Imperial Storm Trooper,

Apparently they were the droids we were looking for...