Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

What's worse than not being able to find your car keys ?

Knowing your wife has them...

[Raistlin]

What is a slut ?

A woman with the morals of a man...

[Raistlin]

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Control Freak."

"Now you say, 'Control freak who"

[Raistlin]

The 'sport' of extreme ironing means you have to go to really remote, dangerous places and iron a shirt.

Imagine if you'd taken a plane from England to Antarctica & then trek hundreds of miles to the South Pole & set up your ironing board.

Then you think, "Where do I plug the iron in ?"

That's not extreme ironing, it's extreme irony.

[Raistlin]

BBC News: Shuttle pilot bumps into the Space Station,

Women, I knew that she shouldn't have been trying to reverse...

[Raistlin]

How many women does it take to do the washing up ?

All of them...

[Raistlin]

Women in space, I didn't even know that the space station had a sink...

Still at least they have a great vacuum...

[Raistlin]

BBC News: 'Walcott aims to rattle Barcelona'

I know he's young, but a rattle ?...

[Raistlin]

I went through the five stages of grieving when my wife died:

Denial "I didn't do it."

Anger "The bitch made me do it."

Bargaining "I'll give you anything if you just let me go."

Depression "Oh bugger, I'm going to be someones bitch in prison."

Acceptance "At least I'll still be getting laid."

[Raistlin]

Bread

Milk

Sugar

Tea Bags

Are you sure this is the right list Mr. Schindler ?

[Raistlin]

Labour announced today that it is changing its logo from a rose to a condom,

because that more accurately reflects their political stance:

Condoms; allow for inflation, halt production, stifle the next generation, protect a bunch of pricks and give you a sense of security when you are actually being screwed.

[Raistlin]

MSN News: "Search goes on for Missing Chinese miners"

Have they looked in Gary Glitter's bedroom ?...

[Raistlin]

With the recent split of Lenny Henry and Dawn French, people are asking 'How will Lenny get over it ?'

May I suggest a Range Rover and a winch...

[Raistlin]

Fantastic to hear Gordon Brown has finally handed in his month's notice...

[Raistlin]

I was down the pub earlier, with my mate, who's an Arsenal fan, watching the football.

At half time, he was so angry, he threw his cap across the room in anger.

It flew across the bar, hit a ceiling fan, went flying into the fruit machine, and caused it to start paying out the Jackpot !

"That was bloody amazing mate!" I told him.

"Mind you, not the most impressive hat trick I've seen tonight..."

[Raistlin]

Dawn French is really missing anal sex according to her best friend who told the Sun

"She is so upset the colour has come out of her cheeks..."

[Raistlin]

My wife said, "I don't like it when you pull on my hair during sex".

I said, "Cancer or not ... if you leave the wig next to the bed, I'm bound to try it on"...

[Raistlin]

Had a job interview earlier and the interviewer asked me "So where do you see yourself in say... 5 years time?"

Apparently "Doing your daughter" wasn't exactly the answer they were after...

[Raistlin]

As I was about to push my disabled son off the top of a cliff in his wheelchair I thought ''There is something very wrong here, it shouldn't be like this.''

Ah, the brake was still on...

[Raistlin]

My wife said to me, "If you were bigger, then you'd probably make me have an orgasm".

I replied, "If you were smaller then I'd probably have one as well...

[Raistlin]

I actually like Dawn French,

Which is a surprise really as I usually can't stand anything that Lenny Henry's been in...

[Raistlin]

Have you ever walked into your room and noticed that your mum has done your washing?

It's such a great feeling untill you recognise that singular sock placed obviously on top of the pile...

...all alone

...neatly folded

...clean

[Raistlin]

I liked Cameron's speech about representing all of us:

Black or White, Rich or Poor, Straight or Straight...

[Raistlin]

Is the Death penalty effective ?

Well, you name me one person that has ever re-offended after the death penalty...

[Raistlin]

What will be getting lots of attention in 4 weeks time?

Gordon Brown's garden.