Raistlin's Joke Page

[Raistlin]

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-

natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.

Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

[Red Yaris 54]

Never comment the quality of my jokes again...... :P

Just trying to maintain/raise the standard ;) :P

It is quite easy really :P

[Raistlin]

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

[Raistlin]

WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:

YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL WAS AWAITING YOU ?

IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES ?

WHERE WOULD YOU BE ?

HELLOOOOO !!!

YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG DAMN HOUSE !!!

[Red Yaris 54]

WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF:

YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL WAS AWAITING YOU ?

IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU, WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES ?

WHERE WOULD YOU BE ?

HELLOOOOO !!!

YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG DAMN HOUSE !!!

I would be in the wrong joke :P ;)

PLEASE DO NOT SHOUT!!!!!! ;)

[Raistlin]

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

[Raistlin]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."

[Raistlin]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day.

When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.

"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.

"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.

"Face sticky."

[Raistlin]

How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Insert elephant.

3. Close door.

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Remove elephant.

3. Insert giraffe.

4. Close door.

How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?

The door won't close.

How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?

There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?

By the footprints in the butter.

[Raistlin]

What do you call a villager with 500 girlfriends?

A shepherd.

[Raistlin]

A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted.

The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen ?" She replied, "Last week."

The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it ?

" Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the check bounced."

[Raistlin]

Why do blonde's like blonde jokes ?

It makes them feel popular.

[Raistlin]

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet ?

He was looking for Pooh

[Raistlin]

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.

The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

[Raistlin]

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

[Raistlin]

Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days who are excellent "housekeepers".

Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.

[Raistlin]

A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over.

He walks up to the car and sees a nice-looking blonde woman is driving and smells liquor on her breath.

He says, "I'm going to have to give you the Breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."

She blows up the balloon and he walks over to the police car.

After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."

She replies "Goodness Officer you mean it shows that, too?"

[Raistlin]

A man walks into a shoe store...

...and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.

"Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk.

Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

[Raistlin]

Why do women wake up with a brain the size of a pea ?

It swells up over night.

[Raistlin]

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed.

"Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

[Raistlin]

*ring* *ring*

"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?"

"I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered huskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until morning."

"Wow," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"

[Raistlin]

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch.

He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by.

Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.

As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, "You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch".

"But I'm not pregnant," she says.

"Well you're not out of the ditch yet," he says.

[Raistlin]

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

[Raistlin]

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten.

With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch in his catlike way and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered, aren't you?"

[Raistlin]

A fellow's wife was very worried about her husband's heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright.

She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub.

It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. "Ooooooo!" she wailed, "I am the Devil!"

He sticks out his hand..."Put it there, pal," he says, "I am married to your sister."